Day Twenty Six

I went into Christina's 4.30 class at Albany feeling good and powerful. I'd just had a discussion with another student about her relationship and how it changed over the course of discovering Bikram yoga. (She's separated but still good friends with her husband - and it has been a very empowering year for her). I had also had a chat with another friend, a psychologist, who was dropping her daughter at our house for a sleepover (4 fourteen year olds in our little bach/sleepout out the back). I was telling her about my year (we've been friends since our kids were tiny, we used to run a Playcentre together - she was president, I was treasurer - and it was our whole life when the kids were little) and I've changed with the yoga (and also the CBT aspect of my self esteem course because I knew that would interest her). She's been to 3 Bikram classes recently (she got a 5 day unlimited deal and managed 3 classes in her busy schedule) and is interested in continuing. Anyway, then I was telling her about teacher training. Such a great friend (and knows me so well) she said, "It sounds like it's designed to push you to the edge of your psyche. Perfect timing for you!" Yes!

So all this was going on in my head as I settled onto the mat, at the back of the room because I came in late. I could have found a space up the front, the room was pretty full but not bursting, but I thought after all these girly talks things could get messy on the mat. I will say right now I was expecting a breakdown.

But this is the amazing thing about this yoga. Instead of a breakdown I had an absolute breakthrough class. It is without a doubt the best class I have ever had. Christina was sticking to the dialogue like a champion, everything I did went deeper, my breathing was strong and even, I managed to relax in every single savasana and relax and let my heartrate recover etc. (It reminded me of the time, when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, that I beat my husband playing pool. We were in a pub, he was drinking, I couldn't because I was pregnant, and because I was so focussed I broke, sunk all of my balls and the black, in the nominated pocket, before he even had a chance to take a shot. He reckons even Eddie Charlton couldn't have beaten me that day. For the record, I didn't make him take his pants off, though that is the standard thing in Australian pubs. You lose at pool without sinking anything its pants off, simple as that. A warning!)

I told Christina afterwards what a humdinger of a class I'd had and thanked her and she said, "That's the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me" which was really sweet and lovely as well. Karma! (Note to self: When thanking teachers, be specific. They actually like feedback).

Oh, and I woke this morning with a bit of an epiphany about Bikram and The Dialogue. (I like the way that looks like Jesus and The Apostles or Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone, don't you?) I am a words person, a poet/story teller, and though I haven't written much in the last year or so, I have previously had some stuff published in various places including the NZ Listener. This means nothing really except it might explain how I focus on words - what they mean, in and out of context, their ambiguities as well as their deeply layered (and often multiple) meanings. I woke this morning thinking about The Dialogue like it was The Bible (I think it might be like that for me at least for a while, let me get religious about it *lol*) - which is essentially the same set of words every class, or at least it should be. It is like a 90 minute poem or song (or spell, or ritual, for those who believe in magic). And I was thinking also of the word Universe (did that sound like a sermon right there? I think it might have *lol*) - how, broken down, it is "uni" (one or whole) and "verse" (poem, song etc). Then my mind, which you can tell is quite animated and a little difficult to control, thought of one of the phrases in His (!) Dialogue - "at a cellular level".

Cells are units (one, whole) and in my head I have atoms, molecules etc but also larger cells - the world, a country, a town, a team, a marriage, a family, a person - you get the idea. The dialogue itself is a cell. The room you practice in is a cell (without the padded walls but sometimes...*lol*). But the whole of the universe is represented in each cell. The Bikram dialogue is a representation of the whole as well as being a set of instructions to ensure the human body (another unit, another cell) remembers that it is part of that whole or oneness. Does this make sense to anybody else? I do realize epiphanies are not always going to make an impression on anyone else but yourself.

Anyway, epiphany or not, I like the idea that the dialogue is peppered with "notes" that remind us we are souls, that we are an essential and natural part of the solar system. That we belong. That we ourselves are representations of the Universe (and probably this means God, if you believe in God, I certainly believe in Something, A Creator, some genius has to be at work here) individually on the earth level.

The Dialogue, gently, slowly, and like a "smooth elevator ride" allows us to open up "like a flower to the sun". (If this actual dialogue is incorrect it is because I don't have a hard copy of it yet and I am only going on what I have "heard" in 21 months of classes). This is a little like a prayer in that we are offering ourselves up to the sun, opening ourselves up to the sun ("Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth". Buddha) and also there is the idea of elevation which I feel is supposed to clue each of us in to our Higher Self.

Bikram. The man has provided a key into unlocking ourselves, which is individual and will work (over some amount of time, which I am sure varies from person to person but I would say do 30 or 60 days straight and see where you're at) with every willing self (I kind of want to write cellf, but it looks really stupid). But he's a genius, a mad scientist maybe, a crazy lunatic yogi to some, but you've got to hand it to him. He's come up with a system (it works! just do the yoga! listen to the teacher! your body wants you to) that most people can use to find out what the hell they're supposed to be doing on Earth. Some people find it themselves - they were born to play flute, the loved motorbikes since they were three and spent every living moment dreaming of being on one, the just knew they were going to fly 747s when they grew up. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do when I grew up. A couple of weeks ago I still didn't. I was a bookkeeper and it was soul destroying and relationship destroying and completely not what I was supposed to do with my life. But I had no idea how to change it!

I believe Bikram yoga is a gateway, though I am still unsure of what happens next, to self-acceptance and self-realization.

What do you guys think? Have I lost my mind? Am I completely bonkers? Am I right or am I left? ;) Let me know what you think - whichever way you see it. I'm really keen to know what people think.

Namaste.