Overnight, backed up by my great class with Christina yesterday, I furthered discussions with my husband about Bikram Teacher Training. He was still very resistant, even when I said that how I've been feeling doing this yoga is like being on ecstasy, without any of the negative side effects. (Somehow I thought that might clue him in). It's difficult to explain to people what it feels like to start really connecting with your own self, other people around you and the world. On the outside I am sure I look the same but my interior landscape has changed significantly. It's about a thousand times more beautiful than it was, since I've decluttered some of the bullshit and the baggage, and my aim is to make it even more interesting for myself - a few retro touches there, some new paint, a lot of funky lamps and lots of windows to let in the light and plenty of warm snuggly blankets and cushions for resting in as well.
Anyway, I basically had a full scale argument with my husband about why he should let me go and why I believed wholeheartedly that it would not only be a turning point in my whole life, that it would also be good for the kids to learn a bit more independence and some more cooking and laundry skills (I know I did more than they do when I was their age) and it would be good for him in terms of getting closer to them. They're young teenagers, they aren't going to be home forever. The bonding experience will be great for them and I believe, as a family, we've laid the foundations for this in other things we've done together. They'll cope and get along perfectly, though I know I will miss them very much and they will (hopefully) also miss me. But I'm fast approaching the time in my life where I have to get a second career together or go back to the kinds of things I used to do to earn a living - office administration/management and accounting. And you know what? I just don't want to work 9 to 5 in some corporate backstabbing environment. I want to have some time to make art, write, do stuff with the kids while they're still at home, keep up with the housework and not get too stressed about fitting everything in. I love being a wife and mother and I love this yoga and I can't think of a better way of sharing it with other people than teaching them everything I am learning about it too. I will continue to be a student as well as a teacher and that will give me an even deeper experience of the practice. I can't think of anything more satisfying, can you?
Anyway, because it got a bit heated, our argument, I basically said if I had to split up everything we owned and had built together over the past 18 years (15 with kids) including our marriage and I had to engage his mother (the only other person I know who loves our kids almost as much as we do) to look after them on my weeks (if we separated and were week on, week off ) while I was away at training, that was what I was prepared to do. So he said he'd let me go but he wasn't happy about it. Which just made me angry because I thought at least he could be happy for me, about finding myself, but he wasn't, all he was thinking about was how hard it is going to make it for him when I leave him in the lurch for 9 weeks with the kids. (I guess if your partner comes home and says, "I've found my destiny. I need to go to America for 9 weeks to get started and then we'll be on the journey of a lifetime" you probably wouldn't straight away go "Yay You!!" but I was expecting at least some interest or excitement out of him. And it made me think how hollow his "yes" felt, which just made me angrier).
Anyway, unfortunately this is what I brought to the class and to poor Kate who, when I said I was going to teacher training, immediately got her authoritative yoga teacher voice on and said, "So, Tania, have you learned half moon yet?" And in my head I was just seething - I mean, I'd just fought Darth Vadar that morning in bed, then angrily got my shit together for yoga then Miss Obi One Kenobi asks me about my progress with the dialogue. I wanted to scream "I only just made a huge decision that involved imagining leaving my whole fucking life behind for this yoga five minutes ago and you're asking me have I started learning the small part of the dialogue you've actually give me yet!" Anyway, I don't think I screamed and I feel terrible because I don't think she quite knew where I was coming from with how I was feeling about the whole scene.
I can't really remember what the class was like. I remember laughing at a couple of dialogue flips - one in particular was, instead of "feet fall open" (in savasana) Kate said "feel fall apart". I imagined my feet completely disassembled and the bones spread like knucklebones/jacks on the wet towel below my ankles. The imagery might tell you something about how I felt about myself - ever so slightly falling apart. And if you happen to read this Kate - I'm really sorry if I barked at you. It wasn't your fault at all, it was completely me.
Anyway, I basically had a full scale argument with my husband about why he should let me go and why I believed wholeheartedly that it would not only be a turning point in my whole life, that it would also be good for the kids to learn a bit more independence and some more cooking and laundry skills (I know I did more than they do when I was their age) and it would be good for him in terms of getting closer to them. They're young teenagers, they aren't going to be home forever. The bonding experience will be great for them and I believe, as a family, we've laid the foundations for this in other things we've done together. They'll cope and get along perfectly, though I know I will miss them very much and they will (hopefully) also miss me. But I'm fast approaching the time in my life where I have to get a second career together or go back to the kinds of things I used to do to earn a living - office administration/management and accounting. And you know what? I just don't want to work 9 to 5 in some corporate backstabbing environment. I want to have some time to make art, write, do stuff with the kids while they're still at home, keep up with the housework and not get too stressed about fitting everything in. I love being a wife and mother and I love this yoga and I can't think of a better way of sharing it with other people than teaching them everything I am learning about it too. I will continue to be a student as well as a teacher and that will give me an even deeper experience of the practice. I can't think of anything more satisfying, can you?
Anyway, because it got a bit heated, our argument, I basically said if I had to split up everything we owned and had built together over the past 18 years (15 with kids) including our marriage and I had to engage his mother (the only other person I know who loves our kids almost as much as we do) to look after them on my weeks (if we separated and were week on, week off ) while I was away at training, that was what I was prepared to do. So he said he'd let me go but he wasn't happy about it. Which just made me angry because I thought at least he could be happy for me, about finding myself, but he wasn't, all he was thinking about was how hard it is going to make it for him when I leave him in the lurch for 9 weeks with the kids. (I guess if your partner comes home and says, "I've found my destiny. I need to go to America for 9 weeks to get started and then we'll be on the journey of a lifetime" you probably wouldn't straight away go "Yay You!!" but I was expecting at least some interest or excitement out of him. And it made me think how hollow his "yes" felt, which just made me angrier).
Anyway, unfortunately this is what I brought to the class and to poor Kate who, when I said I was going to teacher training, immediately got her authoritative yoga teacher voice on and said, "So, Tania, have you learned half moon yet?" And in my head I was just seething - I mean, I'd just fought Darth Vadar that morning in bed, then angrily got my shit together for yoga then Miss Obi One Kenobi asks me about my progress with the dialogue. I wanted to scream "I only just made a huge decision that involved imagining leaving my whole fucking life behind for this yoga five minutes ago and you're asking me have I started learning the small part of the dialogue you've actually give me yet!" Anyway, I don't think I screamed and I feel terrible because I don't think she quite knew where I was coming from with how I was feeling about the whole scene.
I can't really remember what the class was like. I remember laughing at a couple of dialogue flips - one in particular was, instead of "feet fall open" (in savasana) Kate said "feel fall apart". I imagined my feet completely disassembled and the bones spread like knucklebones/jacks on the wet towel below my ankles. The imagery might tell you something about how I felt about myself - ever so slightly falling apart. And if you happen to read this Kate - I'm really sorry if I barked at you. It wasn't your fault at all, it was completely me.
Maybe he needs to look at the bigger picture? Good luck with it all Tania!
ReplyDeleteNine weeks on your own with kids is difficult when you're used to being a partnership and I know as I did it last year but it can be done. I know it might be different as he's the guy and usually work and so doesn't have the same experience as you having to deal with all the small stuff all the time but your girls being of the age they are he'll be able to cope and like you say, he really should embrace being able to get some bonding time with them without mum being there to interfere ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing the right thing. I only wish I had figured out what's going on inside me enough to end up with an idea for what to do with my life as I'm suffocating in current job and as being an administrator is all I've ever done (but I know there's more in me) it's really hard to dig the way out of the rut and find the courage to change things.
Good for you to have found your courage!!
P.S. I loved the description of the change to your inner landscape! So visual, I totally get it :-) xxx
Thanks Line - Yes I think it will be a challenge for Todd, me and the girls but I think it will totally be worth it. I am already noticing I am a better mother for it - more detached instead of possessive, more able to see what they're capable of and encouraging them to grow rather than doing stuff for them. So teacher training can only make things better I reckon.
ReplyDeleteGreg, its hard to look at a bigger picture if you can't see one eh? His imagination is a bit limited but he's a great guy really, I hope he'll see the results will be worth it.
Anyway, thanks for the comments both of you!
T xx