Day Twenty Nine (Almost Typed Nice) 30th Class Done!

Does this picture remind anyone of the awkwards?

I was tired this morning and every muscle ached when I went into class. I'm not sure why but I think perhaps a detox process was in place - I did have a couple of glasses of wine last night and the night before and it felt like my body was a bit heavy with toxins.

Luckily for me I had some great support in the room. Luke was teaching and I was literally surrounded by some of my yoga challenge friends - Tony, Mel, Clint, Tracey - and it felt surprisingly energetic from the get go. All that tension just seemed to get transferred into the poses and after the breathing exercise I settled into the poses and I even managed to get my head to my knee on my right side in standing head to knee! Just for a micro millisecond but it's a never been done before death defying feat as far as I am concerned. I am stoked. If I could have just stayed in it...*lol*

I'm still toying with whether to go to yoga in the morning. I have now done 30 classes in 29 days but the 30th day is tomorrow. I could really use the rest. I have a list of things I could be doing instead. But I'm going to wait and see how I feel in the morning.

Good luck to all those challengers doing doubles today and tomorrow to reach their targets. I heart you and all the people whose support I have felt like a giant hug in that room this month. What an awesome journey and so lovely to share it with you!

Namaste.

Day Twenty Eight

Went to the Glenfield studio for a change and to catch up with Andy and have a chat about teacher training because I knew she was practicing at the 9.30 class. I always used to have trouble with the heat at Glenfield but the class felt OK, even felt cool at the beginning though by the end with everyone sweating their butts off the humidity definitely elevated the heat in the room. Another student mentioned that she has trouble coming back to Glenfield after Albany because she has to get used to the heat all over again. I was OK right up to camel and then I did get a bit of a head spin on. I regularly see stars in camel now but I am trying to stay in it and push through it, which is sometimes difficult.

Dave was teaching and cracked some pearlers which had Andy and I laughing out loud, along with everyone else. One thing he said wasn't supposed to be a joke (at least he seemed surprised we were laughing) when he said that the yoga will set "you up for the week, especially if you're working". Of course we're all in there on our mats just relaxing, soaking up the vibes, eh, Dave? None of us are working.

Aside from the obvious pleasure of a teacher who jokes and makes comments that lighten the mood in the room, I am starting to realise I can do this yoga anywhere, with any teacher, and still reap the benefits. I often feel the same way after class now - that calm kind of observant nature stays with you after you leave the room. I went op shopping for summer clothes (I needed some stuff that was light and bright) and because I kind of had that "eye in" I found heaps of cool things. Walked away with 2 dresses (one red & black, the other a deep watermelon pink), a black ruched swimsuit in a size under what I normally wear (that fits me perfectly now) and four tops in various bright pretty blues and pinks - all for the princely sum of seventy bucks! I bought a tie for my husband to wear to a corporate christmas function at Farmers the other day and it was the cheapest they had at thirty bucks so my spending spree was an absolute bargain.

The yoga just keeps on giving.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Seven

Overnight, backed up by my great class with Christina yesterday, I furthered discussions with my husband about Bikram Teacher Training. He was still very resistant, even when I said that how I've been feeling doing this yoga is like being on ecstasy, without any of the negative side effects. (Somehow I thought that might clue him in). It's difficult to explain to people what it feels like to start really connecting with your own self, other people around you and the world. On the outside I am sure I look the same but my interior landscape has changed significantly. It's about a thousand times more beautiful than it was, since I've decluttered some of the bullshit and the baggage, and my aim is to make it even more interesting for myself - a few retro touches there, some new paint, a lot of funky lamps and lots of windows to let in the light and plenty of warm snuggly blankets and cushions for resting in as well.

Anyway, I basically had a full scale argument with my husband about why he should let me go and why I believed wholeheartedly that it would not only be a turning point in my whole life, that it would also be good for the kids to learn a bit more independence and some more cooking and laundry skills (I know I did more than they do when I was their age) and it would be good for him in terms of getting closer to them. They're young teenagers, they aren't going to be home forever. The bonding experience will be great for them and I believe, as a family, we've laid the foundations for this in other things we've done together. They'll cope and get along perfectly, though I know I will miss them very much and they will (hopefully) also miss me. But I'm fast approaching the time in my life where I have to get a second career together or go back to the kinds of things I used to do to earn a living - office administration/management and accounting. And you know what? I just don't want to work 9 to 5 in some corporate backstabbing environment. I want to have some time to make art, write, do stuff with the kids while they're still at home, keep up with the housework and not get too stressed about fitting everything in. I love being a wife and mother and I love this yoga and I can't think of a better way of sharing it with other people than teaching them everything I am learning about it too. I will continue to be a student as well as a teacher and that will give me an even deeper experience of the practice. I can't think of anything more satisfying, can you?

Anyway, because it got a bit heated, our argument, I basically said if I had to split up everything we owned and had built together over the past 18 years (15 with kids) including our marriage and I had to engage his mother (the only other person I know who loves our kids almost as much as we do) to look after them on my weeks (if we separated and were week on, week off ) while I was away at training, that was what I was prepared to do. So he said he'd let me go but he wasn't happy about it. Which just made me angry because I thought at least he could be happy for me, about finding myself, but he wasn't, all he was thinking about was how hard it is going to make it for him when I leave him in the lurch for 9 weeks with the kids. (I guess if your partner comes home and says, "I've found my destiny. I need to go to America for 9 weeks to get started and then we'll be on the journey of a lifetime" you probably wouldn't straight away go "Yay You!!" but I was expecting at least some interest or excitement out of him. And it made me think how hollow his "yes" felt, which just made me angrier).

Anyway, unfortunately this is what I brought to the class and to poor Kate who, when I said I was going to teacher training, immediately got her authoritative yoga teacher voice on and said, "So, Tania, have you learned half moon yet?" And in my head I was just seething - I mean, I'd just fought Darth Vadar that morning in bed, then angrily got my shit together for yoga then Miss Obi One Kenobi asks me about my progress with the dialogue. I wanted to scream "I only just made a huge decision that involved imagining leaving my whole fucking life behind for this yoga five minutes ago and you're asking me have I started learning the small part of the dialogue you've actually give me yet!" Anyway, I don't think I screamed and I feel terrible because I don't think she quite knew where I was coming from with how I was feeling about the whole scene.

I can't really remember what the class was like. I remember laughing at a couple of dialogue flips - one in particular was, instead of "feet fall open" (in savasana) Kate said "feel fall apart". I imagined my feet completely disassembled and the bones spread like knucklebones/jacks on the wet towel below my ankles. The imagery might tell you something about how I felt about myself - ever so slightly falling apart. And if you happen to read this Kate - I'm really sorry if I barked at you. It wasn't your fault at all, it was completely me.

Day Twenty Six

I went into Christina's 4.30 class at Albany feeling good and powerful. I'd just had a discussion with another student about her relationship and how it changed over the course of discovering Bikram yoga. (She's separated but still good friends with her husband - and it has been a very empowering year for her). I had also had a chat with another friend, a psychologist, who was dropping her daughter at our house for a sleepover (4 fourteen year olds in our little bach/sleepout out the back). I was telling her about my year (we've been friends since our kids were tiny, we used to run a Playcentre together - she was president, I was treasurer - and it was our whole life when the kids were little) and I've changed with the yoga (and also the CBT aspect of my self esteem course because I knew that would interest her). She's been to 3 Bikram classes recently (she got a 5 day unlimited deal and managed 3 classes in her busy schedule) and is interested in continuing. Anyway, then I was telling her about teacher training. Such a great friend (and knows me so well) she said, "It sounds like it's designed to push you to the edge of your psyche. Perfect timing for you!" Yes!

So all this was going on in my head as I settled onto the mat, at the back of the room because I came in late. I could have found a space up the front, the room was pretty full but not bursting, but I thought after all these girly talks things could get messy on the mat. I will say right now I was expecting a breakdown.

But this is the amazing thing about this yoga. Instead of a breakdown I had an absolute breakthrough class. It is without a doubt the best class I have ever had. Christina was sticking to the dialogue like a champion, everything I did went deeper, my breathing was strong and even, I managed to relax in every single savasana and relax and let my heartrate recover etc. (It reminded me of the time, when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, that I beat my husband playing pool. We were in a pub, he was drinking, I couldn't because I was pregnant, and because I was so focussed I broke, sunk all of my balls and the black, in the nominated pocket, before he even had a chance to take a shot. He reckons even Eddie Charlton couldn't have beaten me that day. For the record, I didn't make him take his pants off, though that is the standard thing in Australian pubs. You lose at pool without sinking anything its pants off, simple as that. A warning!)

I told Christina afterwards what a humdinger of a class I'd had and thanked her and she said, "That's the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me" which was really sweet and lovely as well. Karma! (Note to self: When thanking teachers, be specific. They actually like feedback).

Oh, and I woke this morning with a bit of an epiphany about Bikram and The Dialogue. (I like the way that looks like Jesus and The Apostles or Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone, don't you?) I am a words person, a poet/story teller, and though I haven't written much in the last year or so, I have previously had some stuff published in various places including the NZ Listener. This means nothing really except it might explain how I focus on words - what they mean, in and out of context, their ambiguities as well as their deeply layered (and often multiple) meanings. I woke this morning thinking about The Dialogue like it was The Bible (I think it might be like that for me at least for a while, let me get religious about it *lol*) - which is essentially the same set of words every class, or at least it should be. It is like a 90 minute poem or song (or spell, or ritual, for those who believe in magic). And I was thinking also of the word Universe (did that sound like a sermon right there? I think it might have *lol*) - how, broken down, it is "uni" (one or whole) and "verse" (poem, song etc). Then my mind, which you can tell is quite animated and a little difficult to control, thought of one of the phrases in His (!) Dialogue - "at a cellular level".

Cells are units (one, whole) and in my head I have atoms, molecules etc but also larger cells - the world, a country, a town, a team, a marriage, a family, a person - you get the idea. The dialogue itself is a cell. The room you practice in is a cell (without the padded walls but sometimes...*lol*). But the whole of the universe is represented in each cell. The Bikram dialogue is a representation of the whole as well as being a set of instructions to ensure the human body (another unit, another cell) remembers that it is part of that whole or oneness. Does this make sense to anybody else? I do realize epiphanies are not always going to make an impression on anyone else but yourself.

Anyway, epiphany or not, I like the idea that the dialogue is peppered with "notes" that remind us we are souls, that we are an essential and natural part of the solar system. That we belong. That we ourselves are representations of the Universe (and probably this means God, if you believe in God, I certainly believe in Something, A Creator, some genius has to be at work here) individually on the earth level.

The Dialogue, gently, slowly, and like a "smooth elevator ride" allows us to open up "like a flower to the sun". (If this actual dialogue is incorrect it is because I don't have a hard copy of it yet and I am only going on what I have "heard" in 21 months of classes). This is a little like a prayer in that we are offering ourselves up to the sun, opening ourselves up to the sun ("Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth". Buddha) and also there is the idea of elevation which I feel is supposed to clue each of us in to our Higher Self.

Bikram. The man has provided a key into unlocking ourselves, which is individual and will work (over some amount of time, which I am sure varies from person to person but I would say do 30 or 60 days straight and see where you're at) with every willing self (I kind of want to write cellf, but it looks really stupid). But he's a genius, a mad scientist maybe, a crazy lunatic yogi to some, but you've got to hand it to him. He's come up with a system (it works! just do the yoga! listen to the teacher! your body wants you to) that most people can use to find out what the hell they're supposed to be doing on Earth. Some people find it themselves - they were born to play flute, the loved motorbikes since they were three and spent every living moment dreaming of being on one, the just knew they were going to fly 747s when they grew up. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do when I grew up. A couple of weeks ago I still didn't. I was a bookkeeper and it was soul destroying and relationship destroying and completely not what I was supposed to do with my life. But I had no idea how to change it!

I believe Bikram yoga is a gateway, though I am still unsure of what happens next, to self-acceptance and self-realization.

What do you guys think? Have I lost my mind? Am I completely bonkers? Am I right or am I left? ;) Let me know what you think - whichever way you see it. I'm really keen to know what people think.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Four Double

My lovely yogi friend Line had mentioned in the morning class that her husband Tony was going to do a back to back double in the evening. My youngest daughter is playing spring netball on Thursday nights which means I usually can't do evening classes but she had a 4pm game so I thought if I could get back in time from netball and cook dinner I could probably just make the 630 class. Nadine was teaching both classes (there were some raised eyebrows amongst Line, Andy & I re Tony choosing a Nadine double because her classes are notoriously good but hard, she really pushes you to work hard) and because of winter and now spring netball I usually miss her classes because she only teaches at our studios on Thursdays. So I thought I might give Tony some support by doing a double (I'd done the 930 class this morning) myself.

I felt good going into the class and it turned out Tony was procrastinating about the second class when I got there so I did my best to get him to stay. He said give me 5 mins to think about it. So I went about getting changed and setting up my mat and talking to a few people between classes then 5 mins later Tony comes out and says "I'm doing it". Awesome. So I set up in front because I was feeling ok and Tony set up row three but close so we could egg each other on if necessary.

Tony said he had an awesome class afterwards, which was great, because he's just a class or two under for the challenge at the moment and that's why I wanted to support him. My class was so so - I ran out of leg strength in the balancing series and I felt quite nauseous as well so had to sit the odd set out. That was a bit frustrating. The spine strengtheners were strong. Not so great in camel but managed the rest of the floor series and came back strong at the end. It was kind of complimentary to my morning class in that I felt over two classes I'd achieved what I might normally achieve in one super strong class. But it's still two stickers on the board which is just fine and dandy by me.

My youngest is performing in a kapa haka competition this morning so I am skipping yoga so I can watch her sing in maori and do the poi. There will be lots of schools there performing and I believe some good kai available too (got to love a Maori festival for hangi food etc). Hope you all have a great day too.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Four

(from A Creative Companion - How to Free Your Creative Spirit, by SARK 1991)

Dave taught this morning and the class was packed. One girl left the room fairly early to puke. Dave made jokes about whether she really needed to or not, when she'd left the room, but when she came back she assured him she did. "You'll do better now. You'll feel much lighter," he said. You have to love how Dave can still make jokes while commanding a super hot room and maintaining an amazing level of calm that radiates out to everyone.

I was very grateful to be practicing by Andy, she said she needed some energy too because she still has that awful cold that is now in her chest as well, and bringing on her asthma as well. She's still so cheerful though, she amazes me how she just gets on with it and tries to let it go. I admire them both very much. It can't have been easy coming to NZ with big ideas regarding Bikram yoga and starting up a studio. I remember Dave telling us when they opened the Albany studio last year that he was so pleased the room was full for the first class because when he taught his first class at Glenfied two people turned up - him and one lady. He gave her his 100% attention for the whole class, pushed through it, and she never came back! What a struggle that must have been in the beginning but 6 years later here they are, two studios, great energy, and building an awesome community of yogis around them. I heart them both very much.

I've been sleeping really sporadically lately - feels like I am sleeping one out of every two nights - even my husband is noticing how much time I am spending getting out of bed and doing other things because I just can't sleep. Then I drag myself to yoga in the mornings and come out of there with so much energy it's just ridiculous. *kidding* It's fantastic! But I really would like it to settle down a bit so I can sleep at night. At least 5 hours each night, consecutively, would be nice.

Standing series was good and strong most of the way through - though I couldn't get my heartrate or breathing under control in triangle. I had a mixed bag in the spine strengtheners. I am definitely getting my legs kicked up more in floor bow but I really need to work on relaxing my neck so I can look up higher. The rest of the floor series I kind of got bowled by the yoga bus, and the heat started to get to me. I finished my water bottle which is quite unlike me lately but hey, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Some days are like that, especially when you're doing yoga every day and lots of things in your life are changing in between. Shower, coconut water, breathe, let it go. Namaste.

Day Twenty Three

Had a really interesting class with Kate this morning. Andy practiced next to me and I had Mel behind me in between us, which was really nice too. Somehow when you've been hard out in the challenge and are a little vulnerable (its the last week now) it is really nice to have other challengers or people who practice often around you for support. I have been lucky enough to have this for the last few classes and I really heart these people who have been amazing to practice with - Mel, Line, Tony, Emily, Mike, Alex, Andy, Kate, Sarah, Annabelle - and everyone else who practices at Albany of course. I think eventually it won't matter who I practice next to but for now it's really making a difference for me.

So, the class. Started strong. Am feeling a bit better about standing head to knee - kicking out both sides now, not always for very long - but it feels like my body is getting a bit more used to it, that it kind of knows what to do just not for long enough (yet). Some good bows, though nothing held for the whole time. It all went well until triangle (damn you tricky nasty one) where I was in tears for most of both sets. I tried to stay in it but it was difficult. Ended up sitting out part of it. Got back up and fine for tree. Toe stand got both hands up for half a second *lol* before falling out. Never mind.

Spine strengtheners were average to ok - floor bow is improving though I think. After the tears in Triangle I was a bit reluctant in the spine strengtheners, since if I'm going to be hit with the crying stick it usually happens there. But it didn't. (And I was fine again for camel as well. Go figure).

Something really interesting happened in rabbit. I'm trying really hard to keep my head on my knees as I raise my butt up into the air, so that it's closer when it gets to the floor. It seems to be working, I am definitely feeling a stretch in the lower back that I didn't used to feel. But today I also felt a sensation of extra heat or vibration in the lower back, I imagine it's the kind of feeling you get with Reiki or similar. It felt very healing. It made me stay in Rabbit for a little longer to make full use of it. And my lower back felt better than it normal does in savasana after, somehow flatter. I have a sway back, always have, and also ruined my coccyx falling down some stairs with worn carpet on them in my 20s. I was drunk and coming down from the second floor, both feet slipped out from under me and I was came down the whole staircase on my butt, one step at a time. I had trouble sitting for about 6 weeks afterwards and though I didn't go and get proper medical attention (because I knew it was my own fault, I guess there was some shame involved, but I was young and it was normal behaviour in Australia *lol*) I'm pretty sure it was broken. Anyway, its been a bit of a problem in my practice lately and I am glad of any healing in this area, and in the hips!

Had lovely chats with Andy before and after class about teacher training. She's offering to talk to Todd over a few beers to see if she can convince him to send me. I'm not sure how he'll feel about that but I think I'm going to try and set something up. Maybe have a few yogis over for a barbeque or garden party or something in December . Any of you want to come party with me? Let me know! (Also, while I think of it, I'm heading down to Palmerston North the weekend following the end of the challenge - 2nd to 4th December - for a friend's book launch so I really hope that the studio party for challengers won't be that weekend. Cross fingers)!

24 classes down - and the challenge experience is feeling great. I've been waking up with heaps of energy at 3am and making lunches etc, doing a bit of washing if necessary, getting the kitchen tidy if I was too tired in the evening to get it all done. Then going back to bed about 4am or 5 - but by early evening I am feeling just as tired as I was before. But I do feel like the yoga is giving me a lot more energy, and motivation, and clarity. My skin is definitely glowing (even more so with a tiny bit of makeup to even out the age spots - heehee), my brain seems quicker and clearer, my emotions are mostly even, my appetite goes up and down but my thirst for anything fluid, not just water, is definitely up. I've been trying to drink juices and smoothies and I even tried a gingerbread coffee frappuccino at Starbucks today instead of a flat white because I wanted a bit more volume with my caffeine hit. I don't usually drink stuff like this but it feels OK right now. Took some iron and magnesium last night and I think that has helped with the fatigue I was feeling too. It's all learning, I'm really grateful for this experience which I am sure will be invaluable when I do get to do the training as well as for normal life.

Oh, something else I almost forgot to tell you. The psychologist who ran the self esteem group course that I was part of phoned me today as a follow up. She was telling me about my scores for self esteem and depression (from surveys we filled out over the course) from the beginning of the course to the end (it finished just before the challenge began) and my scores started low and went up steadily over the course for self esteem and depression. (ie: I definitely started with low self esteem and a level of depression that would require some kind of intervention, and then things got better over the course and now I am in "normal people" range). The other thing they tested for was anxiety and they were low the whole way through. I definitely have yoga to thank for this.

I had a great time telling her how happy I feel right now and how my life is really changing, day by day, for the better.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Two

***Warning: This is quite a long post. Make yourself a cup of tea and settle in or read it later when you have the time!***

My past two Bikram classes have been with Christina, our new teacher from Denmark - the Sunday at 4.30 and this morning's 9.30 class. The Sunday one I started off OK, hit a wall in the middle, and finished strong. I was feeling very fatigued from doing the challenge but also I had sore hips still from Kate's double on Saturday and also the muscles under my arms were a bit strained from pulling my whole body up and over some trapeze rings on Saturday afternoon. I haven't had the core strength to do this since I've had children (ie 15 or so years)- so that gives you some idea what Bikram does for the strength of your mid section. But I won't be doing it again very soon (not while the challenge is on anyway) because of how weak my arms felt the next day!

Took Christina's class this morning and it was a great class. The room was packed, Christina was in her full Bikram mode (I love the way she infuses her instructions with the voice Bikram uses when he says "struggle harder" on his cd class and he has that struggle in his actual voice) and I was really pleased to have pushed through the fatigue (I'm still not sleeping that well at night) and I really nailed a decent class.

There was a new student in the class who I met before I'd even started Bikram, in about October 2009, she's a personal trainer, and I was doing a nightclass with her (a weight loss class). I hadn't succeeded in losing much weight in her classes and I found her fitness regime a little out of my depth. She showed us photos of her own weight loss journey which included a body building competition she had prepared for (which she said she probably wouldn't do again) where she wore, on stage, a g-string bikini and lots of oily fake tan and those really high shoes with the plastic see thru bottoms like transvestites on Karangahape Rd wear. She looked fine when we took the class - she is quite cut - but those photos were a bit disturbing to a middle aged fat woman (me), trying to just get to a normal BMI, for lots of reasons. I bumped into her again in Fiji on a family holiday in October 2010, and told her I'd lost a lot of weight doing Bikram yoga and that it was a great workout, that she should give it a go.

And today she took her first Bikram class, over a year later. Her friend asked me if I had any tips for her. I smiled and said, "Drink lots of water over the last 24 hours." She said, actually I haven't. I said, "Drink lots of water over the next 24 hours then." Then her friend said, but have you got any tips for how she gets through the class. I said "Go Hard" because that's what she would have tried to get me to do back when I first met her. Then I said, "No, really, take it easy in there. It's hot, it takes a bit of getting used to..."

I remember she was very reluctant about Bikram yoga - a conversation I had with her in Fiji revealed that she thought the knee locking was dangerous etc and would have been frowned apon in her industry. But then she said her husband did it recently (he's super fit too I recall) and he said the workout wiped him out for the whole rest of the day. (Being so competitive they were seeing this as a good thing, a kind of result of his effort). Anyway, after class she was sitting on the couch, quietly, flipping through Bikram's book. She'd had a good class, I think she stood a couple of the standing postures out but she certainly never left the room. And she didn't look too flushed afterwards either. I told her the yoga has many more benefits than just physical and she nodded. She was the quietest I have ever seen her. I think she'll be back.

Had a break yesterday and I read quite a bit of Bikram's book called, unremarkably, "Bikram Yoga". (It's the hard back one which goes a bit more into the spiritual side of yoga. I highly recommend it). Here are some awesome quotes from the book that I marked up while I was waiting for my daughter to swim an hour of laps at the Millenium pool yesterday afternoon:

"The discipline of practice helps turn the mind, which for many of you is your worst enemy, into your best friend."

"When we begin to understand the total being that is man, we realize that he is no simple physical organism. Within him are many powers whose potential he employs in greater or lesser degree in accommodating himself to the conditions of this world. The potential is vastly greater than the average person thinks."

"Your life is your responsibility, not mine."

"Yoga is not a religion. Listen, I come from one of the most religious countries that ever existed and I have never been to a temple to worship in my entire life. Why? Because I never believed in it."

"I worship in a different temple: my body."

"You know what is right and what is wrong for you in your life; you just need to develop the moral strength necessary to see it through."

"That's why I say the biggest problem in life is no problem - not having to occupy your mind with survival."

And this next one is a really interesting one folks, and you might find it challenging on some level, as I did, because I have suspected it all along (but who cares? I love being brainwashed for good instead of evil):

"The whole class is one big brainwashing session - washing out bad habits and old patterns that keep you from experiencing mental peace, happiness, and a satisfaction in living."

And I can tell you from my personal experience that this year I have gone from 0 to 100 percent happiness and all the places in between and that my 30 day challenge has definitely been a peak experience, happiness-wise. There's something about this yoga that makes you really look hard at yourself and acknowledge what needs to change and also challenges you to accept your strengths as well.

As Bikram says, he's a tough parent, that this is about tough love. He wants everyone to be the best and most polished (like a mirror) person they can be but he knows to get there we need to be pushed, and pushed hard.

The other day I remembered how I'd come out of class, the first time I'd taken Kate's class when she was a fairly new teacher, and I was really angry. During the class, every time we would take savasana she would say something like "now relax, and let the blood rush back through" (or similar, don't quote me). That word "rush" and "relax" being in the same sentence really pissed me off. (I think the other teachers say "flush" or something, which is obviously less emotive for me). I'm not sure why "rush" pushed my buttons so much - is it because I used to always be in a rush to get everything done, to get everywhere sooner? Later that night I had a dream, in Louis's voice (I must have been doing a lot of his classes, started to dream in Louis, it was funny) was telling me not to worry about it, to relax, just let it go. And then there was a scene at teacher training (I only just remembered this the other day but I had the dream early in the year) where I was bunking with a whole heap of girls from school (they actually weren't all from school but you know how in a dream it's like a feeling like that, and there is no bunking at training it's just twin share or on your own for twice the money) who were surprised to see me and then I met Bikram. He hugged me, in the dream, and at first it felt a bit sleazy and I was like (ew) and then it just melted into this big gooey embrace of love from the universe. Big clear love. Unconditional. It freaked me out a bit (I kept telling myself it was just a dream) but it got me over the word "rush". Very quickly. *lol* Seems funny to think I am really wanting to go to teacher training now (I wasn't consciously thinking of going back then) and it's not me that's holding me back, but my husband. I have decided I am definitely going one day though, maybe it won't be in April, even if that's what I'd like it to be. Maybe something else will happen in between. I can't leave my kids without support (or Todd's blessing) but maybe over time things will change. Or my situation will change. The kids won't be home forever. I'm not getting any younger. But still, maybe there's no need to rush.

Namaste!

Days Twenty/Twenty One

I know this is being posted on Day 21 but I had a day off today - my muscles were sore (from yoga and from pretending I could still do stuff on the monkey bars and trapeze rings like I did when I was ten - I can but it hurts more the next day *lol*) - hips and arms mostly - and I really felt fatigued before and after yesterday's class, which I am yet to blog about. Aaarghh. Behind! (Not really, I will post about it soon).

So far on this challenge I have:

* 22 stickers on the board
* lost 3 kilos in weight that isn't simply hydration
* had 2 days off
* done 3 doubles!
* blogged 24 posts
* mild prune fingers and various other Bikram "stigma"
* increased energy and perception
* increased motivation
* glowing skin
* less of an appetite (last week I ate heaps, this week I'm kind of off food)
* reduced my alcohol intake to no more than one glass at a time (ha - got you with that one - jokes)
* occasional feelings of delusionment followed by many moments of elation
* much more connection with myself and am feeling that sense of connection spreading out to others as well
* heaps more laughter, even in classes
* a much better ability to listen to what's going on, in class, and in my own head
* much more confidence in myself and the world

Just putting this up so I have something down for the last two days, will post more tomorrow after the 9.30am class!

Hope everyone else is doing well with the challenge - let me know how you're all going if you read this.

Much love and Namaste.

Day Nineteen - Double

Damn you Kate Brown - my hips muscles (sic) and the front of my hips are so sore today! And I only have myself to blame for following your Simon Says instructions and listening to you tell me over and over to push my hips more forward. I'm not sure whether I'll have much luck pushing them forward in class today but I'm sure it's going to make a difference eventually. And maybe that broken coccyx from my early twenties will sort itself out and then I might be able to round the lower spine as well. I must say - I'm still not sure about it being possible to have "a mostly straight spine" - it's either straight or it's not (anyone heard of a mostly pregnant woman) but I'm hoping to figure it out one day. Probably right about the time it dawns on me what a Japanese Ham Sandwich actually looks like.

Awesome double yesterday. Second class (4.30pm with Kate) I had Tony ask me to practice near him so we could get some good yogi energy going. Turns out we had a great space in the room. I was surrounded by 30 day challengers - Emily practicing in the front row with her dad Mike and Alex also up the front, me second row, Tony just behind me and to my right. Love having a wingman! But even better it was like a whole bunch of fighter planes flying in formation, together. Synchronized Bikram. Sweet as, bro! When I came in Emily & Alex were at the desk talking to Kate and going through some dialogue (they're both off to teacher training in April next year, have I mentioned that before, and I so want to go to with them) and we talked about how we were feeling re the challenge and impending double etc. Emily said she walked into the room to set up her mat and just couldn't make a decision. She pointed to the door into the studio and said "that's my mat in a pile just there - I just walked right back out and dumped it outside". She said she just wasn't sure where she was or what she was doing. (Later, after class I said have a great Saturday night and Emily said but isn't it Sunday? This is Bikram time - I am finding I'm starting to lose track of time too. Hard to explain but to me it's like time doesn't matter near as much as it used to or something).

That placing in the room thing is interesting. I used to have a few favorite spots - second row near the reception door or front left corner of the room. I've been moving around the room alot in this challenge. I've never had the same kind of class in any of the positions either. Want the room to look like it's full of fun house mirrors, where you can see all the walls and the back wall in weird tiny perspective and realize what a small small person you are? Practice up the back. Want to block out every single person in the room but confront yourself with all your faults, disillusionment, disappointments but also recognize your strengths? Practice front row. Want to get as much feedback from the teacher as possible? Practice front and centre, second row or next to the podium in the front. Want to avoid the teacher as much as possible? Position yourself so you're at a diagonal to them with at least two other people on the diagonal between you, somewhere near the back corners of the room. (This is not fail safe though they can still walk around. And they will, especially if they need to get to the sprinklers to up the humidity). But don't forget to ask yourself the question about why you're doing all this posturing - is to avoid something about them or yourself? What is it that you don't want to see? What would be the worst thing that could happen if you saw it? What might happen if you busted through that resistance and let go? What if that were possible? What if there were no boundaries?

Despite my sore hips I'll be back in the hot room today putting in 100% effort in the postures and 100% relaxation in savasana because I tell you my friends it's one hundred percent worth it when you walk out of that room and you just know that things are falling right into place. Namaste.

Day Nineteen

(Image from http://yogadawg.blogspot.com/)

I heard on the radio this morning that there is a pastor in America barking on about yoga being evil and that the "practice of yoga in church halls is like inviting the devil into church". It set me right up for a great class because by the time I stopped laughing I was quite relaxed and ready to raise some hell in the hot room.

Lovely full Saturday class today at 8am - why is it that I'm not really feeling the heat lately, is it because I am more focussed on my practice? - and Kate was teaching and she really pulled it out of the bag. I haven't seen her really in her element like this before - full authority in all the poses, eagle eye on everybody, didn't miss a beat, making jokes (I was going to say "making jokes like an old pro" but there is no way in hell I can call Kate an "old pro" because she is like this sunny, ethereal, blue eyed angel) and completely calm and in control. She did such a beautiful job in there. And she really commanded our respect. (She's in her early 20s, did teacher training last year - Spring 2010, our NZ Autumn - been teaching since June last year). I remember when she first started teaching at our studio earlier this year - she has always been lovely and very good at the dialogue etc - but she has come such a long way in the way she teaches since then. Such an inspiration! And she's so encouraging as well. If I ever do the training (I really want to - do you hear that universe - can you please convince my husband) it will be because she got me interested in it very early on, soon after she became a teacher herself. Everyone who teaches at Bikram Yoga North Shore are encouraging though - we're just so lucky to have all this wealth of knowledge and practice at our extending fingertips!

I'm thinking of doing a double today. Get some more evil going on. Try to set the mat on fire.(Please note tongue placed firmly in cheek). Makes me think of that Doors song Light My Fire:

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl, we couldn't get much higher
Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire...

Day Eighteen

I hope you don't mind that I am recycling some of the collages I made and posted on my old blog. It just seems that some of them are appropriate and I don't want to go around pilfering too many images from other sites and people and get in trouble for it.

I had the most amazing class this morning. Dave was teaching and the room was fairly full (but not bursting) and the front row had 4 challengers in it (all doing the 30 day challenge in November) including a super awesome 67 yr old Annabelle (very inspiring and always smiling), the very gorgeous Miss Emily B (who is going to teacher training in April, and I so want to go with her), quietly beautiful Melanie (whose husband Clint also practices at the studio - they run a very cool tattoo parlour together) and ME. I have been avoiding the front row for the past few days (maybe it's a week, you lose track of time doing this yoga) and I felt great when I woke up this morning so I just set up right there in the front next to the teacher's podium thing and cracked right into it. Everything came together, the energy in the room was killer, the breathing came back with some great laughing moments in savasana because of Dave's jokes and our little comebacks, and it really felt great to have let everything go and just practice and be focussed and actually enjoy it!

Andy always says "enjoy it" before a class and I have to admit I didn't used to find classes that enjoyable. Afterwards though, walking out of there dripping with sweat and feeling like I'd had the shit kicked out of me etc, always feels great. Dave said the other day that sometimes it's like getting beaten up and all you want to do is make it stop. And it's true, some days are like that. But it doesn't matter what I feel like when I walk into that hot room, because I know I am always going to come out of there feeling better about myself. I might be more raw or more alive or happier or whatever. It elevates you, even if that means it puts you into a place of emotional vulerability and makes you look at stuff in a different way, it is teaching you about your essential self. And I love it.

I am totally in love with Bikram yoga. But it wasn't always that way. The first twelve months I made myself go, I made myself practice just to keep the weight off and to keep my mood as even as possible. I knew I was getting some benefits but I wasn't really going much over the benefits you'd get from normal exercise when I practiced 3 days a week. Having a daily practice means you really do fill up your tank with energy and you have energy to spare. Everything is more connected, flows better, a lot of the niggly little things that used to make me uptight or anxious just fall away like leaves off a tree and settle or scatter. I think Bikram says something about "no-one can steal your peace" and it's true, when you get to a certain point with your practice and continue daily, that the peace carries over into your normal life and seeps into everything you do. It's pretty amazing and yet so hard to describe because you really have to do it to feel it.

A few days ago I had a terrible thought. I was feeling pretty low about myself and about yoga, I was struggling with some stuff at home (asking my husband about going to teacher training, which is a biggie, 9 weeks in the States, costs a lot of money etc etc) and it just felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I thought, shit, maybe I should just quit yoga and go and sign up for Zumba or something else. Zumba! Imagine. I hope you're chuckling about this as much as I am right now...

Namaste.

Day Seventeen

This photo is from: http://laurielangdon.com/photo_gallery/photo_gallery.htm (ie it's not me - I wish)

I had a good, strong class with Andy today, except for the poses where I took a short break to get my breathing back on board. (The three day headache required painkillers and I am sure they were dicking my heart rate around a little today). I am making some progress in standing head to knee, though not anywhere near getting my head down yet like the girl in the picture above. Right side I am getting my elbows further down my calves. Left side, managing to straighten out the top leg to almost locked, at least for a little while, before falling out. Hallelujah!

The hamstring thing is getting better too. I noticed it bothered me less in standing separate leg stretching and then when we did the stretching on the floor towards the end I actually managed to lock out that left leg in the second set. This is good news.

I sat out part of triangle when my heartrate went crazy and I couldn't get my breath back. I'm still feeling a bit dodgy and I didn't want to push it because I checked my blood pressure last night and after 3 days of headaches it was way high, which is why I finally resorted to taking something for it.

I was very resistant going into camel because of the last two days - came out early first set (nauseous) and then did a full camel second set. No puking. No stars. More good news.

So, even though I did sit a few things out and have a few stumbles the rest of the class felt good and strong and I was quite pleased with it. Great energy in the room - Andy was absolutely hitting her stride and everyone was fully participating and energetic - which was fantastic and really boosted me up as well.

And at the end of the class Andy said Namaste and we got to say Namaste back! We used to always do this when I began Bikram, all the teachers at Glenfield used to say it when it was Andy, Dave and Julie, but somewhere along the way it got a bit lost. I'm hoping it will become a bit more of a habit because I think it's a lovely way of ending the class - besides sounding like "have a nice day" (if you said it really fast) it adds a note of respect and thanks and an exchange between the teacher and the students before the teacher leaves the room. I remember I used to wait for it and answer it before I could really settle down onto the mat and relax in savasana. My first ever teacher Julie used to say "Be kind to yourself and be kind to others. Namaste" and that was great too. A reminder to tread gently never hurts when you are leaving the yoga room. Anyway, that's class 18 over, on day 17, and I am really looking forward to another great one tomorrow.

Namaste! x

Day Sixteen

"You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need." Rolling Stones

I wasn't sure what to expect at yoga today. I never know what to expect when I go into that room. But I am learning to be open to whatever experience that class offers me when I'm on my mat in the hot room, trying to breathe normally. Today started off as a hard strong class - few issues with the blocked nose, had to blow my nose on my towel (which I hate - but I forgot to bring tissues) but made sure it was in a corner I wasn't going to be face down in in any of the postures. Ahem.

Had a few glitches along the way - nearly did third part awkward instead of second part (just forgot a step in my head) then went to set up for floor bow when it was still time for full locust. God knows what that was all about. I just laughed it off, clumsy yoga girl with a cold experiencing weird brain effects.

Room was hot but that didn't seem to be an issue - I think I'm starting to ignore the heat or at least accept that it's a vital part of the process - though I did spin out a bit in camel. And when I say spin out I mean the room started to spin like yesterday, my stomach was flipping, I saw stars. Second set, same thing. Dave started to talk to me because he could see I was having some kind of reaction - but he was calm and talked through it, reckoned I'll miss those stars one day. A tear or two, nothing too overwhelming but certainly lots of energy in the chest and abdomen and it did make me feel rather nauseous in rabbit so I eased into them and came out earlier than normal. Felt OK by the end of the class, though I was a little emotional in the car on the way home, and then had the most amazing afternoon (went out for lunch with friends and sat in the sun overlooking Browns Bay beach - bliss).

Someone told me today before class that I looked like I'd lost a heap of weight. It's someone I've only met this year so she doesn't know that when I started I lost about 15 kilos. I think on this challenge so far I MAY have dropped a couple of kilos, certainly improved muscle tone but more than anything I have lost some of my baggage, which really can't be quantified. I said to her, it's more than just physical you know. She looked at me blankly. I said, yeah I've toned up a bit but it's more about the emotional weight. And then she went, "Ah. Maybe." I don't look much different in the mirror as far as I can tell but if other people are perceiving the changes to how I feel inside that's great news. And with this yoga, you may not achieve all you want to achieve every time you go but you're always going to get what you need.

Day Fifteen

I woke up really snuffly this morning and with the beginnings of a headache. The thing I was worried about going into the 9.30am class was my breathing because I know from past experiences that when the nose gets blocked and it is difficult to breathe that sometimes some panic can set in. Also, the challenge is tiring me out a little at the moment, not because of the yoga, but because I have been gaining energy in classes and staying up a little later and then sometimes have a bit of difficulty getting to sleep, though when I'm asleep I've been sleeping deeply which is good. Anyway, all excuses aside I was a little apprehensive about yoga this morning.

Andy was teaching and I told her how I was feeling before class but we also discussed how things can change in the room - sometimes when you feel you're going to have an awful class or things don't seem right you actually end up having a great class. And in a way I had a great class in that the breathing didn't turn out to be the problem really at all. I did have problems though - got the wobbles in a few of the standing poses, found the neck a bit hard to stretch in some of the floor series because it was kind of extending the headache, and realised about a quarter of the way through that my heart rate was up continually (not racing but like when you're sick and it's just a bit faster than normal, consistently, and goes up every time you move).

The whole room must have been a bit low because Andy commented on our lack of energy about halfway through. She looked so disappointed too - I was really feeling for her but I couldn't get up the energy to put any more into this morning's practice (besides you're never there to please the teacher really) to try to boost it up for anyone either - because I know she really does love this yoga and want us all to love it and work as hard in it as she does too. (And we do, just today wasn't completely rocking in the room. And it wasn't her fault)!

What was interesting for me though was that my breathing stayed under control even though my heart didn't seem to go back to complete resting between poses. It was a really odd feeling. (I should mention that whenever I get a virus I always feel it in the heart muscle first, a kind of weakening, which usually clues me in to it being something other than detox or whatever). Anyway, so the class was so-so because I was feeling a bit nauseous with the headache too which made me come out of the first set of camel early because I thought I might puke and then when I turned around to lie down in savasana the room seemed to spin a bit too. Nice! Aaargh. But I thought I might as well try second set, you never know what it is, maybe it's possible to bust through it, clear it, whatever (a year ago I wouldn't have but I thought I'd give it a go). So second set, did camel, no puking. Turned around to lie on the mat and immediately started sobbing.

As you know from previous posts it's not the first time this has happened, though for me it's the first time it's happened in camel pose. (It's the one the teachers always say can make you feel weird, emotional etc etc and though I have felt dizzy coming out of camel before I have never felt a big emotional release in camel before). Now even though the heartrate elevation prior to this didn't upset the breath too much the crying really did. I never quite know what to do when I'm sobbing in class, especially in savasana, because the room can be so damn quiet (haha - I usually love a quiet room, just not when I'm sobbing my heart out OK?) and there is that kind of shamed/embarrassed feeling on top of it (what if everyone can hear me? what if everyone thinks I'm a complete loser?) which just makes things worse. I had to lie out one set of rabbit and the second set I had tears streaming down my face as well as in separate leg stretching and spinal twist, so it took a bit to settle down. I was OK by the final savasana - though I was still sobbing in the final breathing exercise, which kind of hindered getting that stale air out.

Still have a lingering headache but class 16/day 15 is now done. I think I'm just going to let that class go...

Namaste.

Day Fourteen

Image from http://inspiration-resource.com/tag/vegetables/

Apparently November 14 is National "Loosen Up, Lighten Up" Day - according to the radio station I listen to when I drop one of my teenagers at intermediate and the other at college in the mornings. I tried to keep this in mind when I practiced at Albany this morning in Luke's 9.30am class. Great class - lots of energy and heat in the room, lots of bodies on the carpet, lots of sweaty relieved faces in the changing room after class.

I am trying to work on a few of my "trouble spots" in class at the moment, when I have enough extra energy to focus on them. Today I was trying to touch my toes in triangle - which actually worked on one side (I never used to be able to do that and not fall out) though there is still a little way to go on the other. My balancing stick is improving - I used to fall out of that all the time and was a "broken umbrella" before falling out as well. Now I am starting to get the hang of it, starting to really stretch, though still a bit hamstrung on one side. I realised the other day I was starting to feel it in my bum (after class) so this has been a bit of an extra motivator. *lol*

I've also been really working on listening as intently as possible to the teacher during the set up of some of my problem poses to sort out if I am doing anything wrong that might put me off going into the pose. It doesn't matter how long you come to classes it seems to me there is always room to improve and often, I notice with myself anyway, I don't hear all of the instructions because I am too busy getting something else right. If you miss a step in the dialogue it can really make a difference to your posture. I saw a guy in front of the mirror today (I was next to him, just off, in second row) and he was doing everything he could to stay in standing bow, while hopping around on a bent knee. I didn't laugh but I'm guessing he'll work out eventually that without that standing leg as stable as possible there is never any way in hell you're going to be able to stay balanced in that pose (or any of the others in the balancing on one leg poses). He was trying really hard (how did I notice this? I was actually calmly staring at myself in the mirror as I was getting deeper and he kept popping up in my range of vision, pretty hard to ignore) and getting so goddamn frustrated that I wanted to tap him on the shoulder and say, "Mate, listen to the teacher. Follow the steps! It will all come together in good time". It wouldn't have made any difference of course, because you only hear each step when you NEED to hear it. Or rather, when you're ready to hear it. And I'm not sure this guy was quite ready.

Before class I overheard a brief conversation with the same guy. Someone asked him if he was doing the 30 day challenge. He replied, "No, I'm here to extend my life, not shorten it." I wanted to say something, I may have murmured something, but really, I doubt he would have understood. I am sure this yoga will make whatever life I have left much much better, regardless of whether or not it extends it. I feel certain it will make me a more active grandmother and that it is unlikely I will need a hip operation later on or medication for arthritis or any of those other ailments where the joints are affected in old age, as long as I keep up my yoga practice. How do I know this? Not sure I can explain that exactly yet but for now let's just say I feel it in my bones.

Day Thirteen

Almost half way through the challenge now (will be by tomorrow lunchtime) and the stats so far are as follows:

13 days
14 classes
2 doubles
1 day off
approx 2 kilos lost (not including water)

Had a great 4.30pm class with Dave this afternoon. It was super hot in there and the breathing got a bit heavy for a while during the most intense postures but I felt awesome for most of the class. I struggled just as much as I always do (lets face it there's a long way to go to get perfect in any of the postures) but I went in there feeling good and confident and motivated and I came out energised, motivated and confident - which is what you always hope for. It's hard to explain how I feel lately because it's an odd feeling, like I am vibrating on a different level or something, everything just seems better, clearer, has more depth. I have more focus for longer during the day. I feel more involved in stuff. It's a strange thing to describe but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it is a little bit like the stage of labour/childbirth (don't worry this won't be graphic or violent) where the whole world seems to slow down and you feel such a strong connection to the universe, just before you completely open up and deliver the baby into the world. There is this space (or at least it happened to me in both of my deliveries) where everything is vibrating and all kinds of things come flooding into your mind and things start to make sense but not in a conscious explainable sense. Just in a "knowing" sense. (One of the things I clearly remember was that the answer to life WAS 42, and at the time it made perfectly good sense). I am not feeling it as intensely as I did in labour, of course, but I am getting glimpses of a similar feeling. And now, when I say I feel more "energetic" after class it doesn't just mean in a physical way. Somehow there just seems to be more energy about me and available to me. (Shit. Jesus. Maybe this is what Bikram means when he says "yoga IS a gas station")?!

To me the Bikram process has many similarities to the process of natural labour/childbirth. Contractions and the spaces in between have many correspondences -the way we work very intensely in a posture and then rest and relax as much as possible in savasana is very much like a contraction followed by the space that allows the female body to open up (with the addition of oxytocin the body releases during the contraction) in between contractions. The way the compression/decompression works within each pose could be compared to the labour process too, for similar reasons. And it feels like a kind of re-birthing as well. I don't know this for sure, because I haven't been to teacher training, but I would place a small bet that some of the language used is like NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) too - those instructions to go "way back, way way back, as far as you can see" are very much like an instruction for the subconscious mind to revisit where you came from. At least, that's how it seems to me.

Day Twelve

from http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/the-emo-elephant

Great class with Luke this morning, especially given that I had a few glasses of wine last night and woke up with a mini-hangover. Then, partly to remedy that and partly because I made the decision to sleep it off a bit and go to the 10am class instead of the 8am, I also indulged in a pretty full on breakfast (before 8am) of avocado and bacon on one small piece of toast and a poached egg on another. I wouldn't normally eat this much before yoga but I was really hungry and I hoped it might help the class rather than hinder it. I did worry, when asking around this morning and noting what other people ate for breakfast before class (answers were - nothing, bircher muesli, fruit, porridge) that it might have some effect on my class, but this morning it worked out just fine. I felt good and strong in most of the poses, except for a bit of a wobble in the awkwards, eagle and triangle. And I came out of the class full of energy which was great.

I'm really starting to enjoy how alive I'm feeling after I come out of a class these days. My early yoga classes weren't like that. When I started in March 2010 I remember thinking Bikram yoga was like a hostage situation - you couldn't leave the room, you had to do everything the instructor said (and I remember thinking they all talked like those guys that call horse races, because the dialogue seemed to be so fast and rapid fire) and it was incredibly uncomfortable in there - and when you came out at the end you were just bloody grateful to be alive! It was very much a survival thing for me but it had so many benefits that were impossible to ignore.

I went to Bikram yoga originally to lose weight. I had started to look at my weight problem (I was 80 kilos which is borderline obese for a then 43 year old female who is 165cm tall and I had also just come off medication for high blood pressure and wanted to stay off it if I could) and was trying desperately to lose some of it. I am not a dieter but I did change the proportions of what I was eating so there was more protein and less carbs after talking to a personal trainer at a course I was doing. But I wasn't really eating much then (I eat a lot more now than I did) and I knew I really needed to exercise. Walking around Torbay just pissed me off. If you're unfit and everywhere in your neighbourhood is hills, it's not the first place you look to start your fitness programme. (OK, it might be now, but at the time I tried it it just wasn't for me). But doing this yoga regularly (between 3 and 5 times a week for the first few months) allowed me to lose somewhere between 13 and 15 kilos. My weight has pretty much stabilised at 67 kilos now, though I have dropped a kilo or two below that doing this challenge. My blood pressure is great now as well, and my doctor has said that only 5% of people who come off blood pressure meds manage to stay off them, so that's an added bonus.

Now I am coming to realise more of the benefits of Bikram yoga. I was eavesdropping from the room this morning between classes, while I was lying down waiting for the class to start. I haven't done many classes lately where I've been there for part of the changeover and I'd forgotten the kinds of things you can pick up by listening to people talking to the teacher at the desk after class. This morning I overheard Luke talking about breathing, and in particular, about how observing the breath is our way in to observing ourselves (and I am guessing our essential nature, which is usually what it's referred to in meditation). He was basically saying that as human beings we find it difficult to kind of let go and just be without something to aim our attention at. And it made me think of all the times he's saying to us in class to focus on how we're feeling in that posture, or in that particular place in the posture, or in the stillness we're trying to create at the end of the posture. To observe the sensations, the way the muscles feel, the way the joints are (opening up, not opening up etc), where there might be more space to move etc etc. At great risk of losing one of my favourite places to practice by telling you guys this, if you lie next to that window for enough "in-between" times in classes, listening to the teachers teach their own personal observations of the process, it is like eating from a smorgasbord of Bikram yoga FAQS (some of which you'd never ever thought of asking about yourself). Thank you Luke, for the great teaching but also the animated conversations before and after class, and the jokes during. And to all the teachers who have given me such great feedback and correction and instruction - you're all wonderful! I hope you never feel that you're irrelephant... ;)

Day Eleven

Good strong class with Luke this morning after having the day off yesterday (a kind of yoga savasana) which was lovely. Still having trouble with the left leg in the separate leg poses but its been going on for months now so maybe that will still take time. Getting lots of support from people around me and comments on the blog which has been really great - thanks to everyone who reads this and makes me feel it's worthwhile posting - you guys are an inspiration! Especially those that are slogging it out in the studio every day at Albany and Glenfield - I really love to hear how you're going with your practice too. It is fantastic to feel like we are doing this great thing together.

It's dirty business this Bikram yoga thing. It's hard to imagine before you actually take a Bikram class how much sweat is actually involved in the process. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like it doing Les Mills BodyCombat or any other aerobics or dance classes. You are absolutely soaked through, from bones to skin, from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes, and usually so is your towel. I know people who use two towels on their mats and they still get completely soaked through. Which brings me to the perhaps unpleasant topic of my (previously) smelly yoga mat.

I had to give my mat a proper soaking in the bath with detergent and tea tree oil a couple of days ago because it was really starting to smell like feet. (See mat drying monkeymind bar equipment above). The weird thing is that your feet never actually come in contact with the mat because the mat is covered with a towel the whole time you practice. Granted that towel gets completely saturated with sweat during all but the very sparsest winter classes but even so, your feet don't actually make physical contact. I'm sure you all want to know this. And it only got that bad because sometimes it wasn't quite drying out between classes, because some of the classes I've been doing have been so close together. Anyway, the good news is that the soaking and airing has completely gotten rid of any odours and now I am spraying it daily with a mixture of essential oils, tea tree oil and water and drying it out out in the sun, or at least in the fresh air, (instead of keeping it rolled up) between classes. So with a bit of luck and not too much maintenance it may never smell as badly like toes again.

PS: Extra tip, in case anyone is interested. If your yoga clothes start getting smelly add a half a cup of white vinegar to your normal wash cycle with your normal detergent (the vinegar helps clean out the machine too *lol*) and it gets rid of the smell in your clothes. And nothing smells like vinegar afterwards which is completely awesome!

See you in the hot room! Namaste.

Day Nine - DOUBLE

(Scan of a picture I have on my desk, a print of a painting called Sitting Pretty by Barry Ross Smith)

Today is really Day 10, but I have 11 classes down now because I did a 5.30 class last night so I could give myself permission to have today off. Kind of like a reward for overtime. A yoga holiday if you will.

Yesterday afternoon's class with Luke was great. Started out strong, ran out of steam a bit in the last half, but I felt OK about it. Had an amazing backbend in half moon - surprised myself big time - though nothing else really outstanding happened. Luke said I should just let myself have whatever kind of class I wanted and I tried to just let it happen and be as present as possible. I know there is still some built up tension in the body and my breath was getting a little out of control but it still went OK. And what I love about the teachers at Bikram Yoga North Shore, no matter what kind of class you have and no matter how hard they try to push you to work at your limits, they are always very compassionate after the class and non judgemental when you pass the desk on your way out. For that I am always grateful.

It's funny but when you have a class where you are overwhelmed with emotion like yesterday morning's class, you start to ask yourself why you are doing this challenge at all. It occurred to me yesterday that it might look to some people reading this blog (the non yogis) that I am just doing it to torture myself, or as some kind of physical endurance test like when folks run a marathon or go camping without power for a month or whatever. And that is part of the reason (I did think it would be great to drop a couple of kilos for summer, for example, but that's really a sideline benefit) though the real reason is that you are essentially there to discover more about yourself, not just in a physical way, but also in other ways (emotional, mental, spiritual).

For me, 2011 started off as a pretty bad year. (This is all going to sound a bit Oprah so if you want to go back to facebook or whatever now that's up to you. Don't say I didn't warn you). My relationship with my husband was rocky, we were having a lot of problems connecting with each other (mid life men's stuff applies here too), and then he decided he wanted one of his employees as a partner and he was going to "fund" him into our business, even though I worked for him too and it was previously a 50/50 shareholding between me and him. My husband suggested that I keep working for them and get paid a wage but there is just no way I could work for this employee because I couldn't stand to be around him (my husband knew this too) and he was the last person I was willing to take orders from. My husband basically chose a 26 yr old guy who can't even spell as a partner and I huffed out to do my own thing, leaving the bookwork behind (which I actually now see as a blessing). At the time though this brought up all kinds of negative emotions for me - rejection, anger, betrayal, self pity - and I slumped into a period of pretty disgusting depression, despair and low self esteem. I remember one time where I suggested we get marriage counselling and he said "no you go get counselling and then maybe I'll think about it." (I vowed to get counselling just so I could leave "that ________" insert any derogatory swear noun related to men that you can think of - they all work). I should add here that we are still together and going strong at the moment but that is how I was feeling at the time.

I tried everything I could to get out of the low state I was in without too much success until I eventually joined a self help group/course for low self esteem through Massey University which pulled me out of the depths of it. The thing that held me up the whole time though, like a good friend, was yoga. And it was the reason I actually sought out the group in the first place. I don't know what I would have done without it. The group therapy thing really helped me recognise where I was beating myself up and ways I could change how I internalised thoughts and feelings and reinterpret them in new and more supportive, realistic terms. And that it all stemmed back to childhood stuff (doesn't it always). In my case the rejection issues were linked to my father suiciding when I was 9 years old and my mother kicking me out of home when I was 18. In between we went to live with a frustrated alcoholic paraplegic who used to throw bottles at walls during arguments with my mother which resulted in us ending up in a women's refuge. Probably the lowest point in my life. That's probably irrelevant to this yoga post but it will give you some ideas about where I was at with the "shit happens" thing. Really.

Anyway, knowing that the body stores up "stuff" like this is useful when you are practicing yoga. It means that when you cry or huff and puff and battle through your practice in a 42 degree room with a whole heap of other sweaty bodies on soaked towels over worn and smelly mats and have to stare at yourself in the mirror and try to be consistent with your breathing, that there is always going to be an opportunity to clear stuff out, to let some of that junk go. No matter what I bring to the room, how heavy I am feeling, when I walk out of that room I usually feel much more lucid and lighter somehow. It's hard to explain but colours are brighter, food tastes better, you can really enjoy that glass of wine with no guilt and no judgement and it makes everything easier, smoother. It would be a very popular drug if you could find it, with all its positive side effects, in an easy portable pill. But until they invent that pill I have to go on practicing, making more space for myself in the world and coming back to myself, over and over, in stillness, in an attempt to find those flickering moments of peace.

Day Nine

"Much of what we notice in our yoga practice is our patterns of attachment and repulsion". Michael Stone

I had a hard class today. It didn't start out that way. I didn't feel particularly rung out, I felt like things were going ok when I walked into the room and set up my mat. And things were OK for the breathing exercise, not too bad in half moon, though the forward bend was almost impossible today, a little off balance in the awkwards, got back to a sense of stillness in eagle. Standing head to knee was off, not bad bows, though I fell out a few times, balancing stick was good (for me). It was about separate leg stretching where things went a bit awry. I just felt weak and miserable and couldn't get my head to the floor even when I tried to separate my legs further (usually I have no trouble getting my head to the floor if I get the legs apart wide, so this was a little weird).

Triangle blind-sided me. I could see my body was strong in the mirror but I just felt so goddamn weak. And then I started crying, for no apparent reason, though I'm guessing in my body I was feeling some kind of failure issues, I don't know. So I sat out one side in one set, one side in the other, I just couldn't get my spirits back up and my breathing was going with the crying and it was torture.

Got the breath back under control for the spine strengtheners, half expected a complete eruption in full locust (why? because if I cry that's where it usually happens) but I had a great full locust today and I even managed to get to my maximum in floor bow. But after that, even though the breathing was OK, I still felt weak and crappy.

The class was nearly over and I was so glad and then, half way through the last stretching pose before final spinal twist Dave (who was teaching, did I mention that) asked me how I was doing and wondered why I hadn't drunk much water (I'm guessing he was thinking it was dehydration that was making me have a so-so class). I'm sure he was actually being nice to me but I replied that it was probably a bit late for water now, not because I was being a bitch or anything, but because water's hardly going to help at that end of the class eh? But as soon as I said it I started fucking sobbing again. Aaarghh. And beating myself up because I probably should have just nodded and shut the fuck up, and why do I always do this to myself etc etc etc. And then it continued into savasana. Thank god hardly anyone spoke to me after class (except for the lovely 67 year old lady who is doing the challenge who shared a big sigh of relief with me in the changerooms when the class was over) because I would have been incapable of conversation without balling my eyes out. And yes, I cried all the way home like a big fucking sook!

I've just made myself a mega smoothie with frozen berries, banana, coconut water and man yoghurt (the one with seeds etc in it) and forced myself to drink it, slowly. Maybe I am lacking some minerals, so I'm attending to that, though what I really think is maybe it was just a time to let go instead of manning up. Next stop, a float in the bath. It's the only kind of water I feel like right now, though I know I'll be chugging it back down again soon enough. Namaste.

Day Eight

(Here's a picture of the flyer from the amazing studio where I practice - see, Bikram Yoga IS hot, in lots and lots of ways)! *wink*

I am doing this yoga so much now that I am starting to have yoga dreams. Last night I was in a competition with a couple of dudes who were super fit and they were showing me how to do sit ups. I was like, nah, that's not how you do a sit up, this is how you do a sit up (cue perfect Bikram style sit up, which I am incapable of doing that well, right now, in real life). The power in that dream sit up was amazing, like the force of the whole earth was lifting me into the sit up vertebrae by vertebrae. And they turned to each other and said, "How on earth does she do THAT?" (In her dreams...)

It reminded me of a conversation I had with a new guy at the studio the other day where he was asking me what my worst posture was, what my favourite one was, etc. My favourite is probably Savasana, for obvious reasons, though there are quite a few I like now, depending on the day. My worst posture, or rather the one I would love to do well in but have a long way to go in, is Standing Head to Knee. It took me about 14 months before I was even kicking out in that posture. I am still only sometimes kicking out on the right side and the left side is spastic when it comes to that pose (old hamstring injury from trampolining which is still healing I think)though I do try to kick out in it. On my absolute best days I can, on one side, bend my elbows down, but they never go below the calf. Anyway, when I was talking to this guy I said, "My worst posture is standing head to knee but I JUST KNOW its going to be my killer posture one day. Like maybe in about five years." He laughed, and so did I, because I so WANT to believe it!

Awesome class with Luke this morning. I am still just trying to keep my breathing under control and not get too frustrated when I fall out of postures and just try to keep my practice consistent. There was a funny moment when Luke was challenging a student not to cramp during floor bow (and she didn't!) and he said he was going to start bringing weapons to class to threaten us with. Then he did this like rifle shot into the roof (cue fake weapon) and said, quite loud, "Namaste!"

Crazy tattooed yoga surfie cowboy - yeehah! Definitely a plus when the teacher can make you laugh out loud in Bikram's torture chamber...

Day Seven

I had a terrible case of Monday-yoga-itis this morning. Every muscle in my body felt sore and weak and I felt like I had been run over by the Bikram Yoga Bus. I had that R E M song in my head "EveryBODY hurts, sometimes". When I was telling someone about it this morning in the studio I almost burst into tears. I had to bend down and stretch so they wouldn't notice and I just knew I was feeling resistant, as well as being hard on myself. Andy said that the yoga brings stuff up for all of us, especially when you're practicing more often or doing a challenge, and that's part of the reason our studio doesn't do too many of the 30 day challenges, because people sometimes start to hate it and then drop out altogether. I did start to hate it this morning before class. I was definitely in a hating out on yoga place, which really means I was hating out on myself when I think about it.

Anyway, the room continued to fill up with people and Dave was teaching but Andy was practicing so she was in the room getting people to move around to fit others in and asked me to shuffle along so that she could place a pregnant woman next to me by the door to reception in case they needed to cool her off. (This actually worked out great for me because I was beside her, Dave pulled the door jam thing out from under the door in the floor series, and I managed to get a bit of that cool air - sweet). The place I got shuffled to was under one of the inlet vents (this is usually one of the warmest spots in the room) and it also meant that my gaze was directly into the join of the mirrors, which would have annoyed the hell out of me a year ago but this time I actually took it in my stride. I surprised myself how calm I was at the beginning of the class and I put it down to the fact that I was going to just take it easy in there and breathe and do my best to remain calm through the whole class, without too much additional exertion in terms of pushing my edge or getting an extra inch out of anything, which is what I would normally try and do. I decided I wasn't aiming for perfection, just a nice calm practice if I could do it.

And you wouldn't guess what happened? The class fell completely into place for me. There was a lovely quiet moment of stillness in Eagle where the whole class seemed to be like statues. It was amazing to have a good full room of people in stillness like that. Then the standing series wasn't too bad at all. I didn't kick out in standing head to knee until second set but my first set I had my knee locked for the whole time on both legs, which is something. I had some pretty good bows, one side one set I stayed in for the whole time. Bonus. This is pretty rare for me. In separate leg stretching I usually go too wide straight away and always get my head to the floor, this time I brought my feet in closer and just went for a really good stretch in my back without bothering whether or not I could get my head to the floor. (I almost did it second set but I still didn't care). The floor series continued well and I actually felt good for the whole class. Breathing settled, heartbeat got back to normal very quickly after postures, and I actually came out of class feeling relaxed and energised, and all that resistance and hating just floated off back to the nowhere place it came from. I was really hungry when I got back so I made myself some toasted ciabatta with avocado and smoked salmon, lots of pepper and some Himilayan natural salt cracked over the top. So good! Namaste, everyone.

Day Six - Class Seven

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." Mark Twain

Before Class: Everyone in my house was naturally assuming I would miss today's class, since I did two yesterday. But even though the shoulders are a bit sore today and I feel a little tired because I got a text about an hour after midnight saying someone had found my husband's phone and was trying to track down the owner (who was away from home for the night, partying and staying elsewhere - thank you Todd), I feel like I still want to practice. Something about how good I felt yesterday afternoon has seeped over into today and is urging me to do it, regardless.

After Class: Aaarghh - I think I should have painted a clown face on for the 4.30 class with Kate, or perhaps missed it, not that it had anything to do with her, she is an awesome teacher, but I fell out of almost every pose in the standing series tonight. For a start I forgot to take off my mascara which managed to mix with sweat and have me doing contortionistic things with my eyelids trying to get vision to keep my balance in the awkwards. Wiped them in the second part on a corner of my towel (cue lovely brown spot that stayed there as a reminder of how shit I was doing the whole class) but then the brain just couldn't work out where I was or what I was doing and it showed. Worst thing I was set up right at the mirror too, so probably put off a few people practicing behind me (sorry, peoples).

I mostly got it together in spine strengthening but ran out of steam before the end and it really felt like I maybe was a little dehydrated. I remember waking up last night with that feverish feeling and though I drank water today I didn't have much in the way of electrolytes and probably should have, especially following that double yesterday. Something Kate said in class about rehydrating "which is especially important if you're a big sweater" really resonated with me. Yes, that's me. (Not only am I a clown but I'm also a BIG SWEATER. I should maybe get this on a tank top for class. "Beware, you have set up next to a Big Sweater", with perhaps the lovely image of a retro sweater above, just for kicks). But no jokes about being a "big girl's blouse" here either, thank you very much. I did *try* to be in the poses, I just didn't succeed particularly well TODAY. And if you're not falling out of them you can never learn what it takes to stay in them either, right? That's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway.