Day Nine - DOUBLE

(Scan of a picture I have on my desk, a print of a painting called Sitting Pretty by Barry Ross Smith)

Today is really Day 10, but I have 11 classes down now because I did a 5.30 class last night so I could give myself permission to have today off. Kind of like a reward for overtime. A yoga holiday if you will.

Yesterday afternoon's class with Luke was great. Started out strong, ran out of steam a bit in the last half, but I felt OK about it. Had an amazing backbend in half moon - surprised myself big time - though nothing else really outstanding happened. Luke said I should just let myself have whatever kind of class I wanted and I tried to just let it happen and be as present as possible. I know there is still some built up tension in the body and my breath was getting a little out of control but it still went OK. And what I love about the teachers at Bikram Yoga North Shore, no matter what kind of class you have and no matter how hard they try to push you to work at your limits, they are always very compassionate after the class and non judgemental when you pass the desk on your way out. For that I am always grateful.

It's funny but when you have a class where you are overwhelmed with emotion like yesterday morning's class, you start to ask yourself why you are doing this challenge at all. It occurred to me yesterday that it might look to some people reading this blog (the non yogis) that I am just doing it to torture myself, or as some kind of physical endurance test like when folks run a marathon or go camping without power for a month or whatever. And that is part of the reason (I did think it would be great to drop a couple of kilos for summer, for example, but that's really a sideline benefit) though the real reason is that you are essentially there to discover more about yourself, not just in a physical way, but also in other ways (emotional, mental, spiritual).

For me, 2011 started off as a pretty bad year. (This is all going to sound a bit Oprah so if you want to go back to facebook or whatever now that's up to you. Don't say I didn't warn you). My relationship with my husband was rocky, we were having a lot of problems connecting with each other (mid life men's stuff applies here too), and then he decided he wanted one of his employees as a partner and he was going to "fund" him into our business, even though I worked for him too and it was previously a 50/50 shareholding between me and him. My husband suggested that I keep working for them and get paid a wage but there is just no way I could work for this employee because I couldn't stand to be around him (my husband knew this too) and he was the last person I was willing to take orders from. My husband basically chose a 26 yr old guy who can't even spell as a partner and I huffed out to do my own thing, leaving the bookwork behind (which I actually now see as a blessing). At the time though this brought up all kinds of negative emotions for me - rejection, anger, betrayal, self pity - and I slumped into a period of pretty disgusting depression, despair and low self esteem. I remember one time where I suggested we get marriage counselling and he said "no you go get counselling and then maybe I'll think about it." (I vowed to get counselling just so I could leave "that ________" insert any derogatory swear noun related to men that you can think of - they all work). I should add here that we are still together and going strong at the moment but that is how I was feeling at the time.

I tried everything I could to get out of the low state I was in without too much success until I eventually joined a self help group/course for low self esteem through Massey University which pulled me out of the depths of it. The thing that held me up the whole time though, like a good friend, was yoga. And it was the reason I actually sought out the group in the first place. I don't know what I would have done without it. The group therapy thing really helped me recognise where I was beating myself up and ways I could change how I internalised thoughts and feelings and reinterpret them in new and more supportive, realistic terms. And that it all stemmed back to childhood stuff (doesn't it always). In my case the rejection issues were linked to my father suiciding when I was 9 years old and my mother kicking me out of home when I was 18. In between we went to live with a frustrated alcoholic paraplegic who used to throw bottles at walls during arguments with my mother which resulted in us ending up in a women's refuge. Probably the lowest point in my life. That's probably irrelevant to this yoga post but it will give you some ideas about where I was at with the "shit happens" thing. Really.

Anyway, knowing that the body stores up "stuff" like this is useful when you are practicing yoga. It means that when you cry or huff and puff and battle through your practice in a 42 degree room with a whole heap of other sweaty bodies on soaked towels over worn and smelly mats and have to stare at yourself in the mirror and try to be consistent with your breathing, that there is always going to be an opportunity to clear stuff out, to let some of that junk go. No matter what I bring to the room, how heavy I am feeling, when I walk out of that room I usually feel much more lucid and lighter somehow. It's hard to explain but colours are brighter, food tastes better, you can really enjoy that glass of wine with no guilt and no judgement and it makes everything easier, smoother. It would be a very popular drug if you could find it, with all its positive side effects, in an easy portable pill. But until they invent that pill I have to go on practicing, making more space for myself in the world and coming back to myself, over and over, in stillness, in an attempt to find those flickering moments of peace.