Day Nine

"Much of what we notice in our yoga practice is our patterns of attachment and repulsion". Michael Stone

I had a hard class today. It didn't start out that way. I didn't feel particularly rung out, I felt like things were going ok when I walked into the room and set up my mat. And things were OK for the breathing exercise, not too bad in half moon, though the forward bend was almost impossible today, a little off balance in the awkwards, got back to a sense of stillness in eagle. Standing head to knee was off, not bad bows, though I fell out a few times, balancing stick was good (for me). It was about separate leg stretching where things went a bit awry. I just felt weak and miserable and couldn't get my head to the floor even when I tried to separate my legs further (usually I have no trouble getting my head to the floor if I get the legs apart wide, so this was a little weird).

Triangle blind-sided me. I could see my body was strong in the mirror but I just felt so goddamn weak. And then I started crying, for no apparent reason, though I'm guessing in my body I was feeling some kind of failure issues, I don't know. So I sat out one side in one set, one side in the other, I just couldn't get my spirits back up and my breathing was going with the crying and it was torture.

Got the breath back under control for the spine strengtheners, half expected a complete eruption in full locust (why? because if I cry that's where it usually happens) but I had a great full locust today and I even managed to get to my maximum in floor bow. But after that, even though the breathing was OK, I still felt weak and crappy.

The class was nearly over and I was so glad and then, half way through the last stretching pose before final spinal twist Dave (who was teaching, did I mention that) asked me how I was doing and wondered why I hadn't drunk much water (I'm guessing he was thinking it was dehydration that was making me have a so-so class). I'm sure he was actually being nice to me but I replied that it was probably a bit late for water now, not because I was being a bitch or anything, but because water's hardly going to help at that end of the class eh? But as soon as I said it I started fucking sobbing again. Aaarghh. And beating myself up because I probably should have just nodded and shut the fuck up, and why do I always do this to myself etc etc etc. And then it continued into savasana. Thank god hardly anyone spoke to me after class (except for the lovely 67 year old lady who is doing the challenge who shared a big sigh of relief with me in the changerooms when the class was over) because I would have been incapable of conversation without balling my eyes out. And yes, I cried all the way home like a big fucking sook!

I've just made myself a mega smoothie with frozen berries, banana, coconut water and man yoghurt (the one with seeds etc in it) and forced myself to drink it, slowly. Maybe I am lacking some minerals, so I'm attending to that, though what I really think is maybe it was just a time to let go instead of manning up. Next stop, a float in the bath. It's the only kind of water I feel like right now, though I know I'll be chugging it back down again soon enough. Namaste.