Reflection

I've been wanting to write a reflection post but the last month has been so hectic I haven't had a chance until now. And wow! Can you believe it is the first day of a whole new year? There's several things about that that make my heart sing, but for now, let me focus on what I want to say about last year.

2011 was both the best and the worst year of my life. (How Yin/Yang is that)?! It started off about as depressing as it could have got. Well, that's not true, I guess it could have been worse, but at the time it felt like my whole life had swallowed me up and spat out the pip, and that pip was all I had left to rely on as a tiny way back into whatever life I was going to create for myself for the future. Inside that seed was a festering mess of anger, resentment, sadness, sorrow and, at times, an incredible urge to give up and not even try to grow or fix anything. I closed off from the world and shut out all my friends. I stopped making art and writing poetry, two of the things that I relied on to inspire and motivate me. I kept on at being the best mother I could for my kids, as any parent does when they are in survival mode, and I tried hard to get my marriage back on track but that was an uphill battle - one I lost later in the year. More about that later. When I was at my lowest point I made a decision. It was a weak decision at first, like one of those awful coffees you sometimes get at bakeries, and I didn't know how the hell I was going to achieve it, but it was a small step towards getting strong and getting back to a place where I could find myself feeling safe in the world again and where I would not be paranoid or fearful about any small thing that might happen, good or bad - where I could let go and just accept what would come to me in the future.

The thing that was a constant in my life regardless of where I was at was Bikram Yoga. I credit yoga for keeping my anxiety levels reasonably low, no matter how bad I felt or how overwhelmed I became. I had low self esteem and I was deeply depressed but at least because of the yoga I wasn't going to do anything too stupid or dramatic. One step at a time, one posture at a time, one class at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. The yoga gave me a continuing series of nows to get used to, and a consistent way of making small changes that would gradually expand the space that was available to me, inside my head. All I had to do was work on all the small details one detail at a time and things would eventually come together. This is what I told myself over and over again like some kind of desperate mantra.

Then I decided I would go to group therapy to look at where I was at, have a good hard look at that ugly picture, and see what was worth salvaging, see what was still there to work with, and try my absolute darnedest to build myself back up to a human being I could actually respect and admire and then share with the world again. I had some pretty tough weeks going through that process where I worked out that the bottom line for me was that I felt not only unloved and uncared for and unwanted but that I actually felt I was UNLOVABLE. 100 percent this is how I was feeling at the worst time. It's a pretty miserable place to be, when you think that there's no hope in hell anyone will ever love you ever again and that you're so damn ugly and miserable and untalented and unskilled and weak and boring that it's unlikely that will ever change. I'm being completely honest with myself and with you here. This is hands down how I felt. I hope to never ever be in that place again.

Then, over the course of several weeks, and with no support from my husband and a heap of support from my lovely new friends at my self esteem group (who were all similar ages to me and going through similar rough patches in their lives, including marriage breakups and relationship issues) I managed to come up with another bottom line that I was willing to work towards, one step at a time, increment by increment, with just tiny changes and experiments each day, and focussing in on anything that might help it along. That bottom line was: I BELONG. It wasn't about being perfect, or completely loveable, or being anything other than who I was. It was about being accepted for who I am and allowing other people to embrace me and accept me into their worlds as well.

The self esteem course ended in early November and as it was ending I was beginning my journey into Yovember, a month long experience of Bikram yoga classes, one class a day for 30 days. This blog documents that challenge, which was such an awesome and valuable experience for me. I found not only did I belong, I also inspired people, and I had a much bigger job to do than I was giving myself credit for. I found what it is I want to do with the rest of my life and I found that within myself, in that tiny seed or pip that has since grown and been nurtured and expanded and rounded out and continues to radiate out into the world like a great big burning sun, were all the reserves and resources and energy and talent and experience I needed to move forward and claim what I needed to do with my life. And I was hiding it from myself earlier in the year as a way of protection. Its funny how sometimes we shield ourselves so much that we close out all the good as well as the bad - and you realise, when you push through it, how futile those efforts at protection really are. How they don't support you at all but grind you down and close you in and cage you.

So I decided I was going to teacher training no matter what it takes. And then I told my husband how important it was to me. And he didn't want a bar of it.

I couldn't believe how unsupportive he was of me, of the yoga, of my newfound love of the yoga, and of my desire to teach and share it with the world. To me, it seems like the best investment in myself I could possibly make and all he could do was close down and shut me out and disbelieve that any of this was happening. I guess he might have been feeling the way I had earlier in the year but even though I tried to be compassionate and tried to understand his fears he still didn't believe in me. Anyway, he finally said yes I could go but every discussion we had I could hear his negativity in his voice, his condemnation of me for putting the family through this, his pure hatred of the situation and his fear of what was going to happen when (and after) I went to America for 9 weeks in April 2012 for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training.

The first weekend in December, after the 30 day challenge ended, I went to Palmerston North for a poet friend's book launch. It was a fabulous launch, lovely people all buying books and having them signed, a delightful reading by Helen and a blessing from her yoga teacher (who is not a Bikram yoga teacher and actually bailed me up about Bikram because she is of the belief that yoga should not be trademarked or whatever, comments which I calmly accepted and let go of because how can anyone judge this sequence of yoga and how it is presented if they haven't even tried it for themselves) and afterwards a gathering of family, friends and writers with wine and food and just amazingly good company. I spent the rest of the weekend with another poet friend Tim and in my hotel room on my own (which was also divine) and just soaked up what it felt like to be myself, with friends, relaxing and having a great time, selfishly, without a husband or children around with their own constant needs and wants and distractions. And that felt amazing. Like what it might feel like if I was on my own, or rather, if I busted out of the relationship and looked after the kids 50 percent of the time and had some time and space to work on having a life of my own again.

When I came back to Auckland though I was really looking forward to reconnecting with the family and incredibly happy within myself. And my husband was just plain mad at me. I'm not sure why, I still have no idea. But he certainly hadn't missed me. And he wasn't interested in hugging me or kissing me or happy to see me or anything. Maybe he knew it before me but it wasn't until then that the penny really dropped for me (excuse that cliche). He just wasn't "into" me any more. After 18 years in a relationship, 15 of those married and with children, he'd just stopped loving me. That felt hard, but also good in a way, because it gave me all the impetus I needed to make the right change.

And all this time I'd been trying to hold it together because I thought it was me that was the problem.

So I decided it was time to leave. I packed some stuff and moved out into the granny flat (its kind of like a bach, with a grapevine growing all over the side of it and a turret in the top where you can see far out over the Hauraki Gulf) in our back garden and told him I wanted a divorce. We'd talked about divorce earlier in the year after the business split problems and the mid life crisis bedroom problems and we had decided divorce might be a good idea. Then one of my kids sobbed for four hours straight after we told her. It wasn't pretty. It was heart wrenching. And it was that, back then, that gave me to impetus to keep going and trying to work on it for her sake. But it was sinking in, slowly, that it couldn't go on like that forever.

And you know what? The kids seem much happier that we aren't fighting any more. They seem just much more comfortable in their own skin. They seem to be expanding into more space somehow, now that they can relax and enjoy us as parents separately and independently. It's not ideal being in the granny flat but it was OK for December. This month I am looking at buying a house of my own and I am hoping that we can proceed with a simple and clear cut settlement without too many obstacles along the way. Fingers crossed!

So, 2011 felt like it went from nought to a hundred and then, by the end of the year, I think I would score myself around an eighty. But eighty's OK eh? It's still an A...!

And I am determined to go to teacher training, even if there are speedhumps because of separation agreements and issues with looking after children. I may have to delay it but I am definintely still going. And I feel very optimistic about my future. There are a few practical details to take care of but the universe seems to be gently steering me in the right direction.

And did I mention that I'm a thousand times happier than I was at the beginning of 2011? They say that when you jump the net appears but sometimes even if you're pushed the net appears! I feel like the universe scooped me up in a giant hug and lifted me into the air and said, "Baby, you might not remember how but you can fly"! And then it kind of let me go and I did! And now I still am. Flying. Or maybe I'm floating. Either way I am travelling lightly, yet purposefully, towards who I am supposed to be. I urge you all to do the same in 2012. Tread lightly and search for joy in all the places it could possibly turn up. Do everything you can to find your passion and get things straight in your own mind about how you want to be and what kind of world you want to live in. Visualise it and make it happen! There is joy everywhere if you go looking. You simply have to open yourself up and then remain open.

Namaste everyone. And HAPPY NEW YEAR!