Day Twenty Nine (Almost Typed Nice) 30th Class Done!

Does this picture remind anyone of the awkwards?

I was tired this morning and every muscle ached when I went into class. I'm not sure why but I think perhaps a detox process was in place - I did have a couple of glasses of wine last night and the night before and it felt like my body was a bit heavy with toxins.

Luckily for me I had some great support in the room. Luke was teaching and I was literally surrounded by some of my yoga challenge friends - Tony, Mel, Clint, Tracey - and it felt surprisingly energetic from the get go. All that tension just seemed to get transferred into the poses and after the breathing exercise I settled into the poses and I even managed to get my head to my knee on my right side in standing head to knee! Just for a micro millisecond but it's a never been done before death defying feat as far as I am concerned. I am stoked. If I could have just stayed in it...*lol*

I'm still toying with whether to go to yoga in the morning. I have now done 30 classes in 29 days but the 30th day is tomorrow. I could really use the rest. I have a list of things I could be doing instead. But I'm going to wait and see how I feel in the morning.

Good luck to all those challengers doing doubles today and tomorrow to reach their targets. I heart you and all the people whose support I have felt like a giant hug in that room this month. What an awesome journey and so lovely to share it with you!

Namaste.

Day Twenty Eight

Went to the Glenfield studio for a change and to catch up with Andy and have a chat about teacher training because I knew she was practicing at the 9.30 class. I always used to have trouble with the heat at Glenfield but the class felt OK, even felt cool at the beginning though by the end with everyone sweating their butts off the humidity definitely elevated the heat in the room. Another student mentioned that she has trouble coming back to Glenfield after Albany because she has to get used to the heat all over again. I was OK right up to camel and then I did get a bit of a head spin on. I regularly see stars in camel now but I am trying to stay in it and push through it, which is sometimes difficult.

Dave was teaching and cracked some pearlers which had Andy and I laughing out loud, along with everyone else. One thing he said wasn't supposed to be a joke (at least he seemed surprised we were laughing) when he said that the yoga will set "you up for the week, especially if you're working". Of course we're all in there on our mats just relaxing, soaking up the vibes, eh, Dave? None of us are working.

Aside from the obvious pleasure of a teacher who jokes and makes comments that lighten the mood in the room, I am starting to realise I can do this yoga anywhere, with any teacher, and still reap the benefits. I often feel the same way after class now - that calm kind of observant nature stays with you after you leave the room. I went op shopping for summer clothes (I needed some stuff that was light and bright) and because I kind of had that "eye in" I found heaps of cool things. Walked away with 2 dresses (one red & black, the other a deep watermelon pink), a black ruched swimsuit in a size under what I normally wear (that fits me perfectly now) and four tops in various bright pretty blues and pinks - all for the princely sum of seventy bucks! I bought a tie for my husband to wear to a corporate christmas function at Farmers the other day and it was the cheapest they had at thirty bucks so my spending spree was an absolute bargain.

The yoga just keeps on giving.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Seven

Overnight, backed up by my great class with Christina yesterday, I furthered discussions with my husband about Bikram Teacher Training. He was still very resistant, even when I said that how I've been feeling doing this yoga is like being on ecstasy, without any of the negative side effects. (Somehow I thought that might clue him in). It's difficult to explain to people what it feels like to start really connecting with your own self, other people around you and the world. On the outside I am sure I look the same but my interior landscape has changed significantly. It's about a thousand times more beautiful than it was, since I've decluttered some of the bullshit and the baggage, and my aim is to make it even more interesting for myself - a few retro touches there, some new paint, a lot of funky lamps and lots of windows to let in the light and plenty of warm snuggly blankets and cushions for resting in as well.

Anyway, I basically had a full scale argument with my husband about why he should let me go and why I believed wholeheartedly that it would not only be a turning point in my whole life, that it would also be good for the kids to learn a bit more independence and some more cooking and laundry skills (I know I did more than they do when I was their age) and it would be good for him in terms of getting closer to them. They're young teenagers, they aren't going to be home forever. The bonding experience will be great for them and I believe, as a family, we've laid the foundations for this in other things we've done together. They'll cope and get along perfectly, though I know I will miss them very much and they will (hopefully) also miss me. But I'm fast approaching the time in my life where I have to get a second career together or go back to the kinds of things I used to do to earn a living - office administration/management and accounting. And you know what? I just don't want to work 9 to 5 in some corporate backstabbing environment. I want to have some time to make art, write, do stuff with the kids while they're still at home, keep up with the housework and not get too stressed about fitting everything in. I love being a wife and mother and I love this yoga and I can't think of a better way of sharing it with other people than teaching them everything I am learning about it too. I will continue to be a student as well as a teacher and that will give me an even deeper experience of the practice. I can't think of anything more satisfying, can you?

Anyway, because it got a bit heated, our argument, I basically said if I had to split up everything we owned and had built together over the past 18 years (15 with kids) including our marriage and I had to engage his mother (the only other person I know who loves our kids almost as much as we do) to look after them on my weeks (if we separated and were week on, week off ) while I was away at training, that was what I was prepared to do. So he said he'd let me go but he wasn't happy about it. Which just made me angry because I thought at least he could be happy for me, about finding myself, but he wasn't, all he was thinking about was how hard it is going to make it for him when I leave him in the lurch for 9 weeks with the kids. (I guess if your partner comes home and says, "I've found my destiny. I need to go to America for 9 weeks to get started and then we'll be on the journey of a lifetime" you probably wouldn't straight away go "Yay You!!" but I was expecting at least some interest or excitement out of him. And it made me think how hollow his "yes" felt, which just made me angrier).

Anyway, unfortunately this is what I brought to the class and to poor Kate who, when I said I was going to teacher training, immediately got her authoritative yoga teacher voice on and said, "So, Tania, have you learned half moon yet?" And in my head I was just seething - I mean, I'd just fought Darth Vadar that morning in bed, then angrily got my shit together for yoga then Miss Obi One Kenobi asks me about my progress with the dialogue. I wanted to scream "I only just made a huge decision that involved imagining leaving my whole fucking life behind for this yoga five minutes ago and you're asking me have I started learning the small part of the dialogue you've actually give me yet!" Anyway, I don't think I screamed and I feel terrible because I don't think she quite knew where I was coming from with how I was feeling about the whole scene.

I can't really remember what the class was like. I remember laughing at a couple of dialogue flips - one in particular was, instead of "feet fall open" (in savasana) Kate said "feel fall apart". I imagined my feet completely disassembled and the bones spread like knucklebones/jacks on the wet towel below my ankles. The imagery might tell you something about how I felt about myself - ever so slightly falling apart. And if you happen to read this Kate - I'm really sorry if I barked at you. It wasn't your fault at all, it was completely me.

Day Twenty Six

I went into Christina's 4.30 class at Albany feeling good and powerful. I'd just had a discussion with another student about her relationship and how it changed over the course of discovering Bikram yoga. (She's separated but still good friends with her husband - and it has been a very empowering year for her). I had also had a chat with another friend, a psychologist, who was dropping her daughter at our house for a sleepover (4 fourteen year olds in our little bach/sleepout out the back). I was telling her about my year (we've been friends since our kids were tiny, we used to run a Playcentre together - she was president, I was treasurer - and it was our whole life when the kids were little) and I've changed with the yoga (and also the CBT aspect of my self esteem course because I knew that would interest her). She's been to 3 Bikram classes recently (she got a 5 day unlimited deal and managed 3 classes in her busy schedule) and is interested in continuing. Anyway, then I was telling her about teacher training. Such a great friend (and knows me so well) she said, "It sounds like it's designed to push you to the edge of your psyche. Perfect timing for you!" Yes!

So all this was going on in my head as I settled onto the mat, at the back of the room because I came in late. I could have found a space up the front, the room was pretty full but not bursting, but I thought after all these girly talks things could get messy on the mat. I will say right now I was expecting a breakdown.

But this is the amazing thing about this yoga. Instead of a breakdown I had an absolute breakthrough class. It is without a doubt the best class I have ever had. Christina was sticking to the dialogue like a champion, everything I did went deeper, my breathing was strong and even, I managed to relax in every single savasana and relax and let my heartrate recover etc. (It reminded me of the time, when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, that I beat my husband playing pool. We were in a pub, he was drinking, I couldn't because I was pregnant, and because I was so focussed I broke, sunk all of my balls and the black, in the nominated pocket, before he even had a chance to take a shot. He reckons even Eddie Charlton couldn't have beaten me that day. For the record, I didn't make him take his pants off, though that is the standard thing in Australian pubs. You lose at pool without sinking anything its pants off, simple as that. A warning!)

I told Christina afterwards what a humdinger of a class I'd had and thanked her and she said, "That's the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me" which was really sweet and lovely as well. Karma! (Note to self: When thanking teachers, be specific. They actually like feedback).

Oh, and I woke this morning with a bit of an epiphany about Bikram and The Dialogue. (I like the way that looks like Jesus and The Apostles or Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone, don't you?) I am a words person, a poet/story teller, and though I haven't written much in the last year or so, I have previously had some stuff published in various places including the NZ Listener. This means nothing really except it might explain how I focus on words - what they mean, in and out of context, their ambiguities as well as their deeply layered (and often multiple) meanings. I woke this morning thinking about The Dialogue like it was The Bible (I think it might be like that for me at least for a while, let me get religious about it *lol*) - which is essentially the same set of words every class, or at least it should be. It is like a 90 minute poem or song (or spell, or ritual, for those who believe in magic). And I was thinking also of the word Universe (did that sound like a sermon right there? I think it might have *lol*) - how, broken down, it is "uni" (one or whole) and "verse" (poem, song etc). Then my mind, which you can tell is quite animated and a little difficult to control, thought of one of the phrases in His (!) Dialogue - "at a cellular level".

Cells are units (one, whole) and in my head I have atoms, molecules etc but also larger cells - the world, a country, a town, a team, a marriage, a family, a person - you get the idea. The dialogue itself is a cell. The room you practice in is a cell (without the padded walls but sometimes...*lol*). But the whole of the universe is represented in each cell. The Bikram dialogue is a representation of the whole as well as being a set of instructions to ensure the human body (another unit, another cell) remembers that it is part of that whole or oneness. Does this make sense to anybody else? I do realize epiphanies are not always going to make an impression on anyone else but yourself.

Anyway, epiphany or not, I like the idea that the dialogue is peppered with "notes" that remind us we are souls, that we are an essential and natural part of the solar system. That we belong. That we ourselves are representations of the Universe (and probably this means God, if you believe in God, I certainly believe in Something, A Creator, some genius has to be at work here) individually on the earth level.

The Dialogue, gently, slowly, and like a "smooth elevator ride" allows us to open up "like a flower to the sun". (If this actual dialogue is incorrect it is because I don't have a hard copy of it yet and I am only going on what I have "heard" in 21 months of classes). This is a little like a prayer in that we are offering ourselves up to the sun, opening ourselves up to the sun ("Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth". Buddha) and also there is the idea of elevation which I feel is supposed to clue each of us in to our Higher Self.

Bikram. The man has provided a key into unlocking ourselves, which is individual and will work (over some amount of time, which I am sure varies from person to person but I would say do 30 or 60 days straight and see where you're at) with every willing self (I kind of want to write cellf, but it looks really stupid). But he's a genius, a mad scientist maybe, a crazy lunatic yogi to some, but you've got to hand it to him. He's come up with a system (it works! just do the yoga! listen to the teacher! your body wants you to) that most people can use to find out what the hell they're supposed to be doing on Earth. Some people find it themselves - they were born to play flute, the loved motorbikes since they were three and spent every living moment dreaming of being on one, the just knew they were going to fly 747s when they grew up. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do when I grew up. A couple of weeks ago I still didn't. I was a bookkeeper and it was soul destroying and relationship destroying and completely not what I was supposed to do with my life. But I had no idea how to change it!

I believe Bikram yoga is a gateway, though I am still unsure of what happens next, to self-acceptance and self-realization.

What do you guys think? Have I lost my mind? Am I completely bonkers? Am I right or am I left? ;) Let me know what you think - whichever way you see it. I'm really keen to know what people think.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Four Double

My lovely yogi friend Line had mentioned in the morning class that her husband Tony was going to do a back to back double in the evening. My youngest daughter is playing spring netball on Thursday nights which means I usually can't do evening classes but she had a 4pm game so I thought if I could get back in time from netball and cook dinner I could probably just make the 630 class. Nadine was teaching both classes (there were some raised eyebrows amongst Line, Andy & I re Tony choosing a Nadine double because her classes are notoriously good but hard, she really pushes you to work hard) and because of winter and now spring netball I usually miss her classes because she only teaches at our studios on Thursdays. So I thought I might give Tony some support by doing a double (I'd done the 930 class this morning) myself.

I felt good going into the class and it turned out Tony was procrastinating about the second class when I got there so I did my best to get him to stay. He said give me 5 mins to think about it. So I went about getting changed and setting up my mat and talking to a few people between classes then 5 mins later Tony comes out and says "I'm doing it". Awesome. So I set up in front because I was feeling ok and Tony set up row three but close so we could egg each other on if necessary.

Tony said he had an awesome class afterwards, which was great, because he's just a class or two under for the challenge at the moment and that's why I wanted to support him. My class was so so - I ran out of leg strength in the balancing series and I felt quite nauseous as well so had to sit the odd set out. That was a bit frustrating. The spine strengtheners were strong. Not so great in camel but managed the rest of the floor series and came back strong at the end. It was kind of complimentary to my morning class in that I felt over two classes I'd achieved what I might normally achieve in one super strong class. But it's still two stickers on the board which is just fine and dandy by me.

My youngest is performing in a kapa haka competition this morning so I am skipping yoga so I can watch her sing in maori and do the poi. There will be lots of schools there performing and I believe some good kai available too (got to love a Maori festival for hangi food etc). Hope you all have a great day too.

Namaste.

Day Twenty Four

(from A Creative Companion - How to Free Your Creative Spirit, by SARK 1991)

Dave taught this morning and the class was packed. One girl left the room fairly early to puke. Dave made jokes about whether she really needed to or not, when she'd left the room, but when she came back she assured him she did. "You'll do better now. You'll feel much lighter," he said. You have to love how Dave can still make jokes while commanding a super hot room and maintaining an amazing level of calm that radiates out to everyone.

I was very grateful to be practicing by Andy, she said she needed some energy too because she still has that awful cold that is now in her chest as well, and bringing on her asthma as well. She's still so cheerful though, she amazes me how she just gets on with it and tries to let it go. I admire them both very much. It can't have been easy coming to NZ with big ideas regarding Bikram yoga and starting up a studio. I remember Dave telling us when they opened the Albany studio last year that he was so pleased the room was full for the first class because when he taught his first class at Glenfied two people turned up - him and one lady. He gave her his 100% attention for the whole class, pushed through it, and she never came back! What a struggle that must have been in the beginning but 6 years later here they are, two studios, great energy, and building an awesome community of yogis around them. I heart them both very much.

I've been sleeping really sporadically lately - feels like I am sleeping one out of every two nights - even my husband is noticing how much time I am spending getting out of bed and doing other things because I just can't sleep. Then I drag myself to yoga in the mornings and come out of there with so much energy it's just ridiculous. *kidding* It's fantastic! But I really would like it to settle down a bit so I can sleep at night. At least 5 hours each night, consecutively, would be nice.

Standing series was good and strong most of the way through - though I couldn't get my heartrate or breathing under control in triangle. I had a mixed bag in the spine strengtheners. I am definitely getting my legs kicked up more in floor bow but I really need to work on relaxing my neck so I can look up higher. The rest of the floor series I kind of got bowled by the yoga bus, and the heat started to get to me. I finished my water bottle which is quite unlike me lately but hey, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Some days are like that, especially when you're doing yoga every day and lots of things in your life are changing in between. Shower, coconut water, breathe, let it go. Namaste.

Day Twenty Three

Had a really interesting class with Kate this morning. Andy practiced next to me and I had Mel behind me in between us, which was really nice too. Somehow when you've been hard out in the challenge and are a little vulnerable (its the last week now) it is really nice to have other challengers or people who practice often around you for support. I have been lucky enough to have this for the last few classes and I really heart these people who have been amazing to practice with - Mel, Line, Tony, Emily, Mike, Alex, Andy, Kate, Sarah, Annabelle - and everyone else who practices at Albany of course. I think eventually it won't matter who I practice next to but for now it's really making a difference for me.

So, the class. Started strong. Am feeling a bit better about standing head to knee - kicking out both sides now, not always for very long - but it feels like my body is getting a bit more used to it, that it kind of knows what to do just not for long enough (yet). Some good bows, though nothing held for the whole time. It all went well until triangle (damn you tricky nasty one) where I was in tears for most of both sets. I tried to stay in it but it was difficult. Ended up sitting out part of it. Got back up and fine for tree. Toe stand got both hands up for half a second *lol* before falling out. Never mind.

Spine strengtheners were average to ok - floor bow is improving though I think. After the tears in Triangle I was a bit reluctant in the spine strengtheners, since if I'm going to be hit with the crying stick it usually happens there. But it didn't. (And I was fine again for camel as well. Go figure).

Something really interesting happened in rabbit. I'm trying really hard to keep my head on my knees as I raise my butt up into the air, so that it's closer when it gets to the floor. It seems to be working, I am definitely feeling a stretch in the lower back that I didn't used to feel. But today I also felt a sensation of extra heat or vibration in the lower back, I imagine it's the kind of feeling you get with Reiki or similar. It felt very healing. It made me stay in Rabbit for a little longer to make full use of it. And my lower back felt better than it normal does in savasana after, somehow flatter. I have a sway back, always have, and also ruined my coccyx falling down some stairs with worn carpet on them in my 20s. I was drunk and coming down from the second floor, both feet slipped out from under me and I was came down the whole staircase on my butt, one step at a time. I had trouble sitting for about 6 weeks afterwards and though I didn't go and get proper medical attention (because I knew it was my own fault, I guess there was some shame involved, but I was young and it was normal behaviour in Australia *lol*) I'm pretty sure it was broken. Anyway, its been a bit of a problem in my practice lately and I am glad of any healing in this area, and in the hips!

Had lovely chats with Andy before and after class about teacher training. She's offering to talk to Todd over a few beers to see if she can convince him to send me. I'm not sure how he'll feel about that but I think I'm going to try and set something up. Maybe have a few yogis over for a barbeque or garden party or something in December . Any of you want to come party with me? Let me know! (Also, while I think of it, I'm heading down to Palmerston North the weekend following the end of the challenge - 2nd to 4th December - for a friend's book launch so I really hope that the studio party for challengers won't be that weekend. Cross fingers)!

24 classes down - and the challenge experience is feeling great. I've been waking up with heaps of energy at 3am and making lunches etc, doing a bit of washing if necessary, getting the kitchen tidy if I was too tired in the evening to get it all done. Then going back to bed about 4am or 5 - but by early evening I am feeling just as tired as I was before. But I do feel like the yoga is giving me a lot more energy, and motivation, and clarity. My skin is definitely glowing (even more so with a tiny bit of makeup to even out the age spots - heehee), my brain seems quicker and clearer, my emotions are mostly even, my appetite goes up and down but my thirst for anything fluid, not just water, is definitely up. I've been trying to drink juices and smoothies and I even tried a gingerbread coffee frappuccino at Starbucks today instead of a flat white because I wanted a bit more volume with my caffeine hit. I don't usually drink stuff like this but it feels OK right now. Took some iron and magnesium last night and I think that has helped with the fatigue I was feeling too. It's all learning, I'm really grateful for this experience which I am sure will be invaluable when I do get to do the training as well as for normal life.

Oh, something else I almost forgot to tell you. The psychologist who ran the self esteem group course that I was part of phoned me today as a follow up. She was telling me about my scores for self esteem and depression (from surveys we filled out over the course) from the beginning of the course to the end (it finished just before the challenge began) and my scores started low and went up steadily over the course for self esteem and depression. (ie: I definitely started with low self esteem and a level of depression that would require some kind of intervention, and then things got better over the course and now I am in "normal people" range). The other thing they tested for was anxiety and they were low the whole way through. I definitely have yoga to thank for this.

I had a great time telling her how happy I feel right now and how my life is really changing, day by day, for the better.

Namaste.