One woman's experience of the challenge of 30 Bikram hot yoga classes in 30 days - November 2011
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Reflection
I've been wanting to write a reflection post but the last month has been so hectic I haven't had a chance until now. And wow! Can you believe it is the first day of a whole new year? There's several things about that that make my heart sing, but for now, let me focus on what I want to say about last year.
2011 was both the best and the worst year of my life. (How Yin/Yang is that)?! It started off about as depressing as it could have got. Well, that's not true, I guess it could have been worse, but at the time it felt like my whole life had swallowed me up and spat out the pip, and that pip was all I had left to rely on as a tiny way back into whatever life I was going to create for myself for the future. Inside that seed was a festering mess of anger, resentment, sadness, sorrow and, at times, an incredible urge to give up and not even try to grow or fix anything. I closed off from the world and shut out all my friends. I stopped making art and writing poetry, two of the things that I relied on to inspire and motivate me. I kept on at being the best mother I could for my kids, as any parent does when they are in survival mode, and I tried hard to get my marriage back on track but that was an uphill battle - one I lost later in the year. More about that later. When I was at my lowest point I made a decision. It was a weak decision at first, like one of those awful coffees you sometimes get at bakeries, and I didn't know how the hell I was going to achieve it, but it was a small step towards getting strong and getting back to a place where I could find myself feeling safe in the world again and where I would not be paranoid or fearful about any small thing that might happen, good or bad - where I could let go and just accept what would come to me in the future.
The thing that was a constant in my life regardless of where I was at was Bikram Yoga. I credit yoga for keeping my anxiety levels reasonably low, no matter how bad I felt or how overwhelmed I became. I had low self esteem and I was deeply depressed but at least because of the yoga I wasn't going to do anything too stupid or dramatic. One step at a time, one posture at a time, one class at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. The yoga gave me a continuing series of nows to get used to, and a consistent way of making small changes that would gradually expand the space that was available to me, inside my head. All I had to do was work on all the small details one detail at a time and things would eventually come together. This is what I told myself over and over again like some kind of desperate mantra.
Then I decided I would go to group therapy to look at where I was at, have a good hard look at that ugly picture, and see what was worth salvaging, see what was still there to work with, and try my absolute darnedest to build myself back up to a human being I could actually respect and admire and then share with the world again. I had some pretty tough weeks going through that process where I worked out that the bottom line for me was that I felt not only unloved and uncared for and unwanted but that I actually felt I was UNLOVABLE. 100 percent this is how I was feeling at the worst time. It's a pretty miserable place to be, when you think that there's no hope in hell anyone will ever love you ever again and that you're so damn ugly and miserable and untalented and unskilled and weak and boring that it's unlikely that will ever change. I'm being completely honest with myself and with you here. This is hands down how I felt. I hope to never ever be in that place again.
Then, over the course of several weeks, and with no support from my husband and a heap of support from my lovely new friends at my self esteem group (who were all similar ages to me and going through similar rough patches in their lives, including marriage breakups and relationship issues) I managed to come up with another bottom line that I was willing to work towards, one step at a time, increment by increment, with just tiny changes and experiments each day, and focussing in on anything that might help it along. That bottom line was: I BELONG. It wasn't about being perfect, or completely loveable, or being anything other than who I was. It was about being accepted for who I am and allowing other people to embrace me and accept me into their worlds as well.
The self esteem course ended in early November and as it was ending I was beginning my journey into Yovember, a month long experience of Bikram yoga classes, one class a day for 30 days. This blog documents that challenge, which was such an awesome and valuable experience for me. I found not only did I belong, I also inspired people, and I had a much bigger job to do than I was giving myself credit for. I found what it is I want to do with the rest of my life and I found that within myself, in that tiny seed or pip that has since grown and been nurtured and expanded and rounded out and continues to radiate out into the world like a great big burning sun, were all the reserves and resources and energy and talent and experience I needed to move forward and claim what I needed to do with my life. And I was hiding it from myself earlier in the year as a way of protection. Its funny how sometimes we shield ourselves so much that we close out all the good as well as the bad - and you realise, when you push through it, how futile those efforts at protection really are. How they don't support you at all but grind you down and close you in and cage you.
So I decided I was going to teacher training no matter what it takes. And then I told my husband how important it was to me. And he didn't want a bar of it.
I couldn't believe how unsupportive he was of me, of the yoga, of my newfound love of the yoga, and of my desire to teach and share it with the world. To me, it seems like the best investment in myself I could possibly make and all he could do was close down and shut me out and disbelieve that any of this was happening. I guess he might have been feeling the way I had earlier in the year but even though I tried to be compassionate and tried to understand his fears he still didn't believe in me. Anyway, he finally said yes I could go but every discussion we had I could hear his negativity in his voice, his condemnation of me for putting the family through this, his pure hatred of the situation and his fear of what was going to happen when (and after) I went to America for 9 weeks in April 2012 for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training.
The first weekend in December, after the 30 day challenge ended, I went to Palmerston North for a poet friend's book launch. It was a fabulous launch, lovely people all buying books and having them signed, a delightful reading by Helen and a blessing from her yoga teacher (who is not a Bikram yoga teacher and actually bailed me up about Bikram because she is of the belief that yoga should not be trademarked or whatever, comments which I calmly accepted and let go of because how can anyone judge this sequence of yoga and how it is presented if they haven't even tried it for themselves) and afterwards a gathering of family, friends and writers with wine and food and just amazingly good company. I spent the rest of the weekend with another poet friend Tim and in my hotel room on my own (which was also divine) and just soaked up what it felt like to be myself, with friends, relaxing and having a great time, selfishly, without a husband or children around with their own constant needs and wants and distractions. And that felt amazing. Like what it might feel like if I was on my own, or rather, if I busted out of the relationship and looked after the kids 50 percent of the time and had some time and space to work on having a life of my own again.
When I came back to Auckland though I was really looking forward to reconnecting with the family and incredibly happy within myself. And my husband was just plain mad at me. I'm not sure why, I still have no idea. But he certainly hadn't missed me. And he wasn't interested in hugging me or kissing me or happy to see me or anything. Maybe he knew it before me but it wasn't until then that the penny really dropped for me (excuse that cliche). He just wasn't "into" me any more. After 18 years in a relationship, 15 of those married and with children, he'd just stopped loving me. That felt hard, but also good in a way, because it gave me all the impetus I needed to make the right change.
And all this time I'd been trying to hold it together because I thought it was me that was the problem.
So I decided it was time to leave. I packed some stuff and moved out into the granny flat (its kind of like a bach, with a grapevine growing all over the side of it and a turret in the top where you can see far out over the Hauraki Gulf) in our back garden and told him I wanted a divorce. We'd talked about divorce earlier in the year after the business split problems and the mid life crisis bedroom problems and we had decided divorce might be a good idea. Then one of my kids sobbed for four hours straight after we told her. It wasn't pretty. It was heart wrenching. And it was that, back then, that gave me to impetus to keep going and trying to work on it for her sake. But it was sinking in, slowly, that it couldn't go on like that forever.
And you know what? The kids seem much happier that we aren't fighting any more. They seem just much more comfortable in their own skin. They seem to be expanding into more space somehow, now that they can relax and enjoy us as parents separately and independently. It's not ideal being in the granny flat but it was OK for December. This month I am looking at buying a house of my own and I am hoping that we can proceed with a simple and clear cut settlement without too many obstacles along the way. Fingers crossed!
So, 2011 felt like it went from nought to a hundred and then, by the end of the year, I think I would score myself around an eighty. But eighty's OK eh? It's still an A...!
And I am determined to go to teacher training, even if there are speedhumps because of separation agreements and issues with looking after children. I may have to delay it but I am definintely still going. And I feel very optimistic about my future. There are a few practical details to take care of but the universe seems to be gently steering me in the right direction.
And did I mention that I'm a thousand times happier than I was at the beginning of 2011? They say that when you jump the net appears but sometimes even if you're pushed the net appears! I feel like the universe scooped me up in a giant hug and lifted me into the air and said, "Baby, you might not remember how but you can fly"! And then it kind of let me go and I did! And now I still am. Flying. Or maybe I'm floating. Either way I am travelling lightly, yet purposefully, towards who I am supposed to be. I urge you all to do the same in 2012. Tread lightly and search for joy in all the places it could possibly turn up. Do everything you can to find your passion and get things straight in your own mind about how you want to be and what kind of world you want to live in. Visualise it and make it happen! There is joy everywhere if you go looking. You simply have to open yourself up and then remain open.
Namaste everyone. And HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2011 was both the best and the worst year of my life. (How Yin/Yang is that)?! It started off about as depressing as it could have got. Well, that's not true, I guess it could have been worse, but at the time it felt like my whole life had swallowed me up and spat out the pip, and that pip was all I had left to rely on as a tiny way back into whatever life I was going to create for myself for the future. Inside that seed was a festering mess of anger, resentment, sadness, sorrow and, at times, an incredible urge to give up and not even try to grow or fix anything. I closed off from the world and shut out all my friends. I stopped making art and writing poetry, two of the things that I relied on to inspire and motivate me. I kept on at being the best mother I could for my kids, as any parent does when they are in survival mode, and I tried hard to get my marriage back on track but that was an uphill battle - one I lost later in the year. More about that later. When I was at my lowest point I made a decision. It was a weak decision at first, like one of those awful coffees you sometimes get at bakeries, and I didn't know how the hell I was going to achieve it, but it was a small step towards getting strong and getting back to a place where I could find myself feeling safe in the world again and where I would not be paranoid or fearful about any small thing that might happen, good or bad - where I could let go and just accept what would come to me in the future.
The thing that was a constant in my life regardless of where I was at was Bikram Yoga. I credit yoga for keeping my anxiety levels reasonably low, no matter how bad I felt or how overwhelmed I became. I had low self esteem and I was deeply depressed but at least because of the yoga I wasn't going to do anything too stupid or dramatic. One step at a time, one posture at a time, one class at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. The yoga gave me a continuing series of nows to get used to, and a consistent way of making small changes that would gradually expand the space that was available to me, inside my head. All I had to do was work on all the small details one detail at a time and things would eventually come together. This is what I told myself over and over again like some kind of desperate mantra.
Then I decided I would go to group therapy to look at where I was at, have a good hard look at that ugly picture, and see what was worth salvaging, see what was still there to work with, and try my absolute darnedest to build myself back up to a human being I could actually respect and admire and then share with the world again. I had some pretty tough weeks going through that process where I worked out that the bottom line for me was that I felt not only unloved and uncared for and unwanted but that I actually felt I was UNLOVABLE. 100 percent this is how I was feeling at the worst time. It's a pretty miserable place to be, when you think that there's no hope in hell anyone will ever love you ever again and that you're so damn ugly and miserable and untalented and unskilled and weak and boring that it's unlikely that will ever change. I'm being completely honest with myself and with you here. This is hands down how I felt. I hope to never ever be in that place again.
Then, over the course of several weeks, and with no support from my husband and a heap of support from my lovely new friends at my self esteem group (who were all similar ages to me and going through similar rough patches in their lives, including marriage breakups and relationship issues) I managed to come up with another bottom line that I was willing to work towards, one step at a time, increment by increment, with just tiny changes and experiments each day, and focussing in on anything that might help it along. That bottom line was: I BELONG. It wasn't about being perfect, or completely loveable, or being anything other than who I was. It was about being accepted for who I am and allowing other people to embrace me and accept me into their worlds as well.
The self esteem course ended in early November and as it was ending I was beginning my journey into Yovember, a month long experience of Bikram yoga classes, one class a day for 30 days. This blog documents that challenge, which was such an awesome and valuable experience for me. I found not only did I belong, I also inspired people, and I had a much bigger job to do than I was giving myself credit for. I found what it is I want to do with the rest of my life and I found that within myself, in that tiny seed or pip that has since grown and been nurtured and expanded and rounded out and continues to radiate out into the world like a great big burning sun, were all the reserves and resources and energy and talent and experience I needed to move forward and claim what I needed to do with my life. And I was hiding it from myself earlier in the year as a way of protection. Its funny how sometimes we shield ourselves so much that we close out all the good as well as the bad - and you realise, when you push through it, how futile those efforts at protection really are. How they don't support you at all but grind you down and close you in and cage you.
So I decided I was going to teacher training no matter what it takes. And then I told my husband how important it was to me. And he didn't want a bar of it.
I couldn't believe how unsupportive he was of me, of the yoga, of my newfound love of the yoga, and of my desire to teach and share it with the world. To me, it seems like the best investment in myself I could possibly make and all he could do was close down and shut me out and disbelieve that any of this was happening. I guess he might have been feeling the way I had earlier in the year but even though I tried to be compassionate and tried to understand his fears he still didn't believe in me. Anyway, he finally said yes I could go but every discussion we had I could hear his negativity in his voice, his condemnation of me for putting the family through this, his pure hatred of the situation and his fear of what was going to happen when (and after) I went to America for 9 weeks in April 2012 for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training.
The first weekend in December, after the 30 day challenge ended, I went to Palmerston North for a poet friend's book launch. It was a fabulous launch, lovely people all buying books and having them signed, a delightful reading by Helen and a blessing from her yoga teacher (who is not a Bikram yoga teacher and actually bailed me up about Bikram because she is of the belief that yoga should not be trademarked or whatever, comments which I calmly accepted and let go of because how can anyone judge this sequence of yoga and how it is presented if they haven't even tried it for themselves) and afterwards a gathering of family, friends and writers with wine and food and just amazingly good company. I spent the rest of the weekend with another poet friend Tim and in my hotel room on my own (which was also divine) and just soaked up what it felt like to be myself, with friends, relaxing and having a great time, selfishly, without a husband or children around with their own constant needs and wants and distractions. And that felt amazing. Like what it might feel like if I was on my own, or rather, if I busted out of the relationship and looked after the kids 50 percent of the time and had some time and space to work on having a life of my own again.
When I came back to Auckland though I was really looking forward to reconnecting with the family and incredibly happy within myself. And my husband was just plain mad at me. I'm not sure why, I still have no idea. But he certainly hadn't missed me. And he wasn't interested in hugging me or kissing me or happy to see me or anything. Maybe he knew it before me but it wasn't until then that the penny really dropped for me (excuse that cliche). He just wasn't "into" me any more. After 18 years in a relationship, 15 of those married and with children, he'd just stopped loving me. That felt hard, but also good in a way, because it gave me all the impetus I needed to make the right change.
And all this time I'd been trying to hold it together because I thought it was me that was the problem.
So I decided it was time to leave. I packed some stuff and moved out into the granny flat (its kind of like a bach, with a grapevine growing all over the side of it and a turret in the top where you can see far out over the Hauraki Gulf) in our back garden and told him I wanted a divorce. We'd talked about divorce earlier in the year after the business split problems and the mid life crisis bedroom problems and we had decided divorce might be a good idea. Then one of my kids sobbed for four hours straight after we told her. It wasn't pretty. It was heart wrenching. And it was that, back then, that gave me to impetus to keep going and trying to work on it for her sake. But it was sinking in, slowly, that it couldn't go on like that forever.
And you know what? The kids seem much happier that we aren't fighting any more. They seem just much more comfortable in their own skin. They seem to be expanding into more space somehow, now that they can relax and enjoy us as parents separately and independently. It's not ideal being in the granny flat but it was OK for December. This month I am looking at buying a house of my own and I am hoping that we can proceed with a simple and clear cut settlement without too many obstacles along the way. Fingers crossed!
So, 2011 felt like it went from nought to a hundred and then, by the end of the year, I think I would score myself around an eighty. But eighty's OK eh? It's still an A...!
And I am determined to go to teacher training, even if there are speedhumps because of separation agreements and issues with looking after children. I may have to delay it but I am definintely still going. And I feel very optimistic about my future. There are a few practical details to take care of but the universe seems to be gently steering me in the right direction.
And did I mention that I'm a thousand times happier than I was at the beginning of 2011? They say that when you jump the net appears but sometimes even if you're pushed the net appears! I feel like the universe scooped me up in a giant hug and lifted me into the air and said, "Baby, you might not remember how but you can fly"! And then it kind of let me go and I did! And now I still am. Flying. Or maybe I'm floating. Either way I am travelling lightly, yet purposefully, towards who I am supposed to be. I urge you all to do the same in 2012. Tread lightly and search for joy in all the places it could possibly turn up. Do everything you can to find your passion and get things straight in your own mind about how you want to be and what kind of world you want to live in. Visualise it and make it happen! There is joy everywhere if you go looking. You simply have to open yourself up and then remain open.
Namaste everyone. And HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Day Twenty Nine (Almost Typed Nice) 30th Class Done!
Does this picture remind anyone of the awkwards?
I was tired this morning and every muscle ached when I went into class. I'm not sure why but I think perhaps a detox process was in place - I did have a couple of glasses of wine last night and the night before and it felt like my body was a bit heavy with toxins.
Luckily for me I had some great support in the room. Luke was teaching and I was literally surrounded by some of my yoga challenge friends - Tony, Mel, Clint, Tracey - and it felt surprisingly energetic from the get go. All that tension just seemed to get transferred into the poses and after the breathing exercise I settled into the poses and I even managed to get my head to my knee on my right side in standing head to knee! Just for a micro millisecond but it's a never been done before death defying feat as far as I am concerned. I am stoked. If I could have just stayed in it...*lol*
I'm still toying with whether to go to yoga in the morning. I have now done 30 classes in 29 days but the 30th day is tomorrow. I could really use the rest. I have a list of things I could be doing instead. But I'm going to wait and see how I feel in the morning.
Good luck to all those challengers doing doubles today and tomorrow to reach their targets. I heart you and all the people whose support I have felt like a giant hug in that room this month. What an awesome journey and so lovely to share it with you!
Namaste.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Day Twenty Eight
Went to the Glenfield studio for a change and to catch up with Andy and have a chat about teacher training because I knew she was practicing at the 9.30 class. I always used to have trouble with the heat at Glenfield but the class felt OK, even felt cool at the beginning though by the end with everyone sweating their butts off the humidity definitely elevated the heat in the room. Another student mentioned that she has trouble coming back to Glenfield after Albany because she has to get used to the heat all over again. I was OK right up to camel and then I did get a bit of a head spin on. I regularly see stars in camel now but I am trying to stay in it and push through it, which is sometimes difficult.
Dave was teaching and cracked some pearlers which had Andy and I laughing out loud, along with everyone else. One thing he said wasn't supposed to be a joke (at least he seemed surprised we were laughing) when he said that the yoga will set "you up for the week, especially if you're working". Of course we're all in there on our mats just relaxing, soaking up the vibes, eh, Dave? None of us are working.
Aside from the obvious pleasure of a teacher who jokes and makes comments that lighten the mood in the room, I am starting to realise I can do this yoga anywhere, with any teacher, and still reap the benefits. I often feel the same way after class now - that calm kind of observant nature stays with you after you leave the room. I went op shopping for summer clothes (I needed some stuff that was light and bright) and because I kind of had that "eye in" I found heaps of cool things. Walked away with 2 dresses (one red & black, the other a deep watermelon pink), a black ruched swimsuit in a size under what I normally wear (that fits me perfectly now) and four tops in various bright pretty blues and pinks - all for the princely sum of seventy bucks! I bought a tie for my husband to wear to a corporate christmas function at Farmers the other day and it was the cheapest they had at thirty bucks so my spending spree was an absolute bargain.
The yoga just keeps on giving.
Namaste.
Dave was teaching and cracked some pearlers which had Andy and I laughing out loud, along with everyone else. One thing he said wasn't supposed to be a joke (at least he seemed surprised we were laughing) when he said that the yoga will set "you up for the week, especially if you're working". Of course we're all in there on our mats just relaxing, soaking up the vibes, eh, Dave? None of us are working.
Aside from the obvious pleasure of a teacher who jokes and makes comments that lighten the mood in the room, I am starting to realise I can do this yoga anywhere, with any teacher, and still reap the benefits. I often feel the same way after class now - that calm kind of observant nature stays with you after you leave the room. I went op shopping for summer clothes (I needed some stuff that was light and bright) and because I kind of had that "eye in" I found heaps of cool things. Walked away with 2 dresses (one red & black, the other a deep watermelon pink), a black ruched swimsuit in a size under what I normally wear (that fits me perfectly now) and four tops in various bright pretty blues and pinks - all for the princely sum of seventy bucks! I bought a tie for my husband to wear to a corporate christmas function at Farmers the other day and it was the cheapest they had at thirty bucks so my spending spree was an absolute bargain.
The yoga just keeps on giving.
Namaste.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day Twenty Seven
Overnight, backed up by my great class with Christina yesterday, I furthered discussions with my husband about Bikram Teacher Training. He was still very resistant, even when I said that how I've been feeling doing this yoga is like being on ecstasy, without any of the negative side effects. (Somehow I thought that might clue him in). It's difficult to explain to people what it feels like to start really connecting with your own self, other people around you and the world. On the outside I am sure I look the same but my interior landscape has changed significantly. It's about a thousand times more beautiful than it was, since I've decluttered some of the bullshit and the baggage, and my aim is to make it even more interesting for myself - a few retro touches there, some new paint, a lot of funky lamps and lots of windows to let in the light and plenty of warm snuggly blankets and cushions for resting in as well.
Anyway, I basically had a full scale argument with my husband about why he should let me go and why I believed wholeheartedly that it would not only be a turning point in my whole life, that it would also be good for the kids to learn a bit more independence and some more cooking and laundry skills (I know I did more than they do when I was their age) and it would be good for him in terms of getting closer to them. They're young teenagers, they aren't going to be home forever. The bonding experience will be great for them and I believe, as a family, we've laid the foundations for this in other things we've done together. They'll cope and get along perfectly, though I know I will miss them very much and they will (hopefully) also miss me. But I'm fast approaching the time in my life where I have to get a second career together or go back to the kinds of things I used to do to earn a living - office administration/management and accounting. And you know what? I just don't want to work 9 to 5 in some corporate backstabbing environment. I want to have some time to make art, write, do stuff with the kids while they're still at home, keep up with the housework and not get too stressed about fitting everything in. I love being a wife and mother and I love this yoga and I can't think of a better way of sharing it with other people than teaching them everything I am learning about it too. I will continue to be a student as well as a teacher and that will give me an even deeper experience of the practice. I can't think of anything more satisfying, can you?
Anyway, because it got a bit heated, our argument, I basically said if I had to split up everything we owned and had built together over the past 18 years (15 with kids) including our marriage and I had to engage his mother (the only other person I know who loves our kids almost as much as we do) to look after them on my weeks (if we separated and were week on, week off ) while I was away at training, that was what I was prepared to do. So he said he'd let me go but he wasn't happy about it. Which just made me angry because I thought at least he could be happy for me, about finding myself, but he wasn't, all he was thinking about was how hard it is going to make it for him when I leave him in the lurch for 9 weeks with the kids. (I guess if your partner comes home and says, "I've found my destiny. I need to go to America for 9 weeks to get started and then we'll be on the journey of a lifetime" you probably wouldn't straight away go "Yay You!!" but I was expecting at least some interest or excitement out of him. And it made me think how hollow his "yes" felt, which just made me angrier).
Anyway, unfortunately this is what I brought to the class and to poor Kate who, when I said I was going to teacher training, immediately got her authoritative yoga teacher voice on and said, "So, Tania, have you learned half moon yet?" And in my head I was just seething - I mean, I'd just fought Darth Vadar that morning in bed, then angrily got my shit together for yoga then Miss Obi One Kenobi asks me about my progress with the dialogue. I wanted to scream "I only just made a huge decision that involved imagining leaving my whole fucking life behind for this yoga five minutes ago and you're asking me have I started learning the small part of the dialogue you've actually give me yet!" Anyway, I don't think I screamed and I feel terrible because I don't think she quite knew where I was coming from with how I was feeling about the whole scene.
I can't really remember what the class was like. I remember laughing at a couple of dialogue flips - one in particular was, instead of "feet fall open" (in savasana) Kate said "feel fall apart". I imagined my feet completely disassembled and the bones spread like knucklebones/jacks on the wet towel below my ankles. The imagery might tell you something about how I felt about myself - ever so slightly falling apart. And if you happen to read this Kate - I'm really sorry if I barked at you. It wasn't your fault at all, it was completely me.
Anyway, I basically had a full scale argument with my husband about why he should let me go and why I believed wholeheartedly that it would not only be a turning point in my whole life, that it would also be good for the kids to learn a bit more independence and some more cooking and laundry skills (I know I did more than they do when I was their age) and it would be good for him in terms of getting closer to them. They're young teenagers, they aren't going to be home forever. The bonding experience will be great for them and I believe, as a family, we've laid the foundations for this in other things we've done together. They'll cope and get along perfectly, though I know I will miss them very much and they will (hopefully) also miss me. But I'm fast approaching the time in my life where I have to get a second career together or go back to the kinds of things I used to do to earn a living - office administration/management and accounting. And you know what? I just don't want to work 9 to 5 in some corporate backstabbing environment. I want to have some time to make art, write, do stuff with the kids while they're still at home, keep up with the housework and not get too stressed about fitting everything in. I love being a wife and mother and I love this yoga and I can't think of a better way of sharing it with other people than teaching them everything I am learning about it too. I will continue to be a student as well as a teacher and that will give me an even deeper experience of the practice. I can't think of anything more satisfying, can you?
Anyway, because it got a bit heated, our argument, I basically said if I had to split up everything we owned and had built together over the past 18 years (15 with kids) including our marriage and I had to engage his mother (the only other person I know who loves our kids almost as much as we do) to look after them on my weeks (if we separated and were week on, week off ) while I was away at training, that was what I was prepared to do. So he said he'd let me go but he wasn't happy about it. Which just made me angry because I thought at least he could be happy for me, about finding myself, but he wasn't, all he was thinking about was how hard it is going to make it for him when I leave him in the lurch for 9 weeks with the kids. (I guess if your partner comes home and says, "I've found my destiny. I need to go to America for 9 weeks to get started and then we'll be on the journey of a lifetime" you probably wouldn't straight away go "Yay You!!" but I was expecting at least some interest or excitement out of him. And it made me think how hollow his "yes" felt, which just made me angrier).
Anyway, unfortunately this is what I brought to the class and to poor Kate who, when I said I was going to teacher training, immediately got her authoritative yoga teacher voice on and said, "So, Tania, have you learned half moon yet?" And in my head I was just seething - I mean, I'd just fought Darth Vadar that morning in bed, then angrily got my shit together for yoga then Miss Obi One Kenobi asks me about my progress with the dialogue. I wanted to scream "I only just made a huge decision that involved imagining leaving my whole fucking life behind for this yoga five minutes ago and you're asking me have I started learning the small part of the dialogue you've actually give me yet!" Anyway, I don't think I screamed and I feel terrible because I don't think she quite knew where I was coming from with how I was feeling about the whole scene.
I can't really remember what the class was like. I remember laughing at a couple of dialogue flips - one in particular was, instead of "feet fall open" (in savasana) Kate said "feel fall apart". I imagined my feet completely disassembled and the bones spread like knucklebones/jacks on the wet towel below my ankles. The imagery might tell you something about how I felt about myself - ever so slightly falling apart. And if you happen to read this Kate - I'm really sorry if I barked at you. It wasn't your fault at all, it was completely me.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Day Twenty Six
I went into Christina's 4.30 class at Albany feeling good and powerful. I'd just had a discussion with another student about her relationship and how it changed over the course of discovering Bikram yoga. (She's separated but still good friends with her husband - and it has been a very empowering year for her). I had also had a chat with another friend, a psychologist, who was dropping her daughter at our house for a sleepover (4 fourteen year olds in our little bach/sleepout out the back). I was telling her about my year (we've been friends since our kids were tiny, we used to run a Playcentre together - she was president, I was treasurer - and it was our whole life when the kids were little) and I've changed with the yoga (and also the CBT aspect of my self esteem course because I knew that would interest her). She's been to 3 Bikram classes recently (she got a 5 day unlimited deal and managed 3 classes in her busy schedule) and is interested in continuing. Anyway, then I was telling her about teacher training. Such a great friend (and knows me so well) she said, "It sounds like it's designed to push you to the edge of your psyche. Perfect timing for you!" Yes!
So all this was going on in my head as I settled onto the mat, at the back of the room because I came in late. I could have found a space up the front, the room was pretty full but not bursting, but I thought after all these girly talks things could get messy on the mat. I will say right now I was expecting a breakdown.
But this is the amazing thing about this yoga. Instead of a breakdown I had an absolute breakthrough class. It is without a doubt the best class I have ever had. Christina was sticking to the dialogue like a champion, everything I did went deeper, my breathing was strong and even, I managed to relax in every single savasana and relax and let my heartrate recover etc. (It reminded me of the time, when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, that I beat my husband playing pool. We were in a pub, he was drinking, I couldn't because I was pregnant, and because I was so focussed I broke, sunk all of my balls and the black, in the nominated pocket, before he even had a chance to take a shot. He reckons even Eddie Charlton couldn't have beaten me that day. For the record, I didn't make him take his pants off, though that is the standard thing in Australian pubs. You lose at pool without sinking anything its pants off, simple as that. A warning!)
I told Christina afterwards what a humdinger of a class I'd had and thanked her and she said, "That's the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me" which was really sweet and lovely as well. Karma! (Note to self: When thanking teachers, be specific. They actually like feedback).
Oh, and I woke this morning with a bit of an epiphany about Bikram and The Dialogue. (I like the way that looks like Jesus and The Apostles or Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone, don't you?) I am a words person, a poet/story teller, and though I haven't written much in the last year or so, I have previously had some stuff published in various places including the NZ Listener. This means nothing really except it might explain how I focus on words - what they mean, in and out of context, their ambiguities as well as their deeply layered (and often multiple) meanings. I woke this morning thinking about The Dialogue like it was The Bible (I think it might be like that for me at least for a while, let me get religious about it *lol*) - which is essentially the same set of words every class, or at least it should be. It is like a 90 minute poem or song (or spell, or ritual, for those who believe in magic). And I was thinking also of the word Universe (did that sound like a sermon right there? I think it might have *lol*) - how, broken down, it is "uni" (one or whole) and "verse" (poem, song etc). Then my mind, which you can tell is quite animated and a little difficult to control, thought of one of the phrases in His (!) Dialogue - "at a cellular level".
Cells are units (one, whole) and in my head I have atoms, molecules etc but also larger cells - the world, a country, a town, a team, a marriage, a family, a person - you get the idea. The dialogue itself is a cell. The room you practice in is a cell (without the padded walls but sometimes...*lol*). But the whole of the universe is represented in each cell. The Bikram dialogue is a representation of the whole as well as being a set of instructions to ensure the human body (another unit, another cell) remembers that it is part of that whole or oneness. Does this make sense to anybody else? I do realize epiphanies are not always going to make an impression on anyone else but yourself.
Anyway, epiphany or not, I like the idea that the dialogue is peppered with "notes" that remind us we are souls, that we are an essential and natural part of the solar system. That we belong. That we ourselves are representations of the Universe (and probably this means God, if you believe in God, I certainly believe in Something, A Creator, some genius has to be at work here) individually on the earth level.
The Dialogue, gently, slowly, and like a "smooth elevator ride" allows us to open up "like a flower to the sun". (If this actual dialogue is incorrect it is because I don't have a hard copy of it yet and I am only going on what I have "heard" in 21 months of classes). This is a little like a prayer in that we are offering ourselves up to the sun, opening ourselves up to the sun ("Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth". Buddha) and also there is the idea of elevation which I feel is supposed to clue each of us in to our Higher Self.
Bikram. The man has provided a key into unlocking ourselves, which is individual and will work (over some amount of time, which I am sure varies from person to person but I would say do 30 or 60 days straight and see where you're at) with every willing self (I kind of want to write cellf, but it looks really stupid). But he's a genius, a mad scientist maybe, a crazy lunatic yogi to some, but you've got to hand it to him. He's come up with a system (it works! just do the yoga! listen to the teacher! your body wants you to) that most people can use to find out what the hell they're supposed to be doing on Earth. Some people find it themselves - they were born to play flute, the loved motorbikes since they were three and spent every living moment dreaming of being on one, the just knew they were going to fly 747s when they grew up. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do when I grew up. A couple of weeks ago I still didn't. I was a bookkeeper and it was soul destroying and relationship destroying and completely not what I was supposed to do with my life. But I had no idea how to change it!
I believe Bikram yoga is a gateway, though I am still unsure of what happens next, to self-acceptance and self-realization.
What do you guys think? Have I lost my mind? Am I completely bonkers? Am I right or am I left? ;) Let me know what you think - whichever way you see it. I'm really keen to know what people think.
Namaste.
So all this was going on in my head as I settled onto the mat, at the back of the room because I came in late. I could have found a space up the front, the room was pretty full but not bursting, but I thought after all these girly talks things could get messy on the mat. I will say right now I was expecting a breakdown.
But this is the amazing thing about this yoga. Instead of a breakdown I had an absolute breakthrough class. It is without a doubt the best class I have ever had. Christina was sticking to the dialogue like a champion, everything I did went deeper, my breathing was strong and even, I managed to relax in every single savasana and relax and let my heartrate recover etc. (It reminded me of the time, when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, that I beat my husband playing pool. We were in a pub, he was drinking, I couldn't because I was pregnant, and because I was so focussed I broke, sunk all of my balls and the black, in the nominated pocket, before he even had a chance to take a shot. He reckons even Eddie Charlton couldn't have beaten me that day. For the record, I didn't make him take his pants off, though that is the standard thing in Australian pubs. You lose at pool without sinking anything its pants off, simple as that. A warning!)
I told Christina afterwards what a humdinger of a class I'd had and thanked her and she said, "That's the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me" which was really sweet and lovely as well. Karma! (Note to self: When thanking teachers, be specific. They actually like feedback).
Oh, and I woke this morning with a bit of an epiphany about Bikram and The Dialogue. (I like the way that looks like Jesus and The Apostles or Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone, don't you?) I am a words person, a poet/story teller, and though I haven't written much in the last year or so, I have previously had some stuff published in various places including the NZ Listener. This means nothing really except it might explain how I focus on words - what they mean, in and out of context, their ambiguities as well as their deeply layered (and often multiple) meanings. I woke this morning thinking about The Dialogue like it was The Bible (I think it might be like that for me at least for a while, let me get religious about it *lol*) - which is essentially the same set of words every class, or at least it should be. It is like a 90 minute poem or song (or spell, or ritual, for those who believe in magic). And I was thinking also of the word Universe (did that sound like a sermon right there? I think it might have *lol*) - how, broken down, it is "uni" (one or whole) and "verse" (poem, song etc). Then my mind, which you can tell is quite animated and a little difficult to control, thought of one of the phrases in His (!) Dialogue - "at a cellular level".
Cells are units (one, whole) and in my head I have atoms, molecules etc but also larger cells - the world, a country, a town, a team, a marriage, a family, a person - you get the idea. The dialogue itself is a cell. The room you practice in is a cell (without the padded walls but sometimes...*lol*). But the whole of the universe is represented in each cell. The Bikram dialogue is a representation of the whole as well as being a set of instructions to ensure the human body (another unit, another cell) remembers that it is part of that whole or oneness. Does this make sense to anybody else? I do realize epiphanies are not always going to make an impression on anyone else but yourself.
Anyway, epiphany or not, I like the idea that the dialogue is peppered with "notes" that remind us we are souls, that we are an essential and natural part of the solar system. That we belong. That we ourselves are representations of the Universe (and probably this means God, if you believe in God, I certainly believe in Something, A Creator, some genius has to be at work here) individually on the earth level.
The Dialogue, gently, slowly, and like a "smooth elevator ride" allows us to open up "like a flower to the sun". (If this actual dialogue is incorrect it is because I don't have a hard copy of it yet and I am only going on what I have "heard" in 21 months of classes). This is a little like a prayer in that we are offering ourselves up to the sun, opening ourselves up to the sun ("Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth". Buddha) and also there is the idea of elevation which I feel is supposed to clue each of us in to our Higher Self.
Bikram. The man has provided a key into unlocking ourselves, which is individual and will work (over some amount of time, which I am sure varies from person to person but I would say do 30 or 60 days straight and see where you're at) with every willing self (I kind of want to write cellf, but it looks really stupid). But he's a genius, a mad scientist maybe, a crazy lunatic yogi to some, but you've got to hand it to him. He's come up with a system (it works! just do the yoga! listen to the teacher! your body wants you to) that most people can use to find out what the hell they're supposed to be doing on Earth. Some people find it themselves - they were born to play flute, the loved motorbikes since they were three and spent every living moment dreaming of being on one, the just knew they were going to fly 747s when they grew up. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do when I grew up. A couple of weeks ago I still didn't. I was a bookkeeper and it was soul destroying and relationship destroying and completely not what I was supposed to do with my life. But I had no idea how to change it!
I believe Bikram yoga is a gateway, though I am still unsure of what happens next, to self-acceptance and self-realization.
What do you guys think? Have I lost my mind? Am I completely bonkers? Am I right or am I left? ;) Let me know what you think - whichever way you see it. I'm really keen to know what people think.
Namaste.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day Twenty Four Double
My lovely yogi friend Line had mentioned in the morning class that her husband Tony was going to do a back to back double in the evening. My youngest daughter is playing spring netball on Thursday nights which means I usually can't do evening classes but she had a 4pm game so I thought if I could get back in time from netball and cook dinner I could probably just make the 630 class. Nadine was teaching both classes (there were some raised eyebrows amongst Line, Andy & I re Tony choosing a Nadine double because her classes are notoriously good but hard, she really pushes you to work hard) and because of winter and now spring netball I usually miss her classes because she only teaches at our studios on Thursdays. So I thought I might give Tony some support by doing a double (I'd done the 930 class this morning) myself.
I felt good going into the class and it turned out Tony was procrastinating about the second class when I got there so I did my best to get him to stay. He said give me 5 mins to think about it. So I went about getting changed and setting up my mat and talking to a few people between classes then 5 mins later Tony comes out and says "I'm doing it". Awesome. So I set up in front because I was feeling ok and Tony set up row three but close so we could egg each other on if necessary.
Tony said he had an awesome class afterwards, which was great, because he's just a class or two under for the challenge at the moment and that's why I wanted to support him. My class was so so - I ran out of leg strength in the balancing series and I felt quite nauseous as well so had to sit the odd set out. That was a bit frustrating. The spine strengtheners were strong. Not so great in camel but managed the rest of the floor series and came back strong at the end. It was kind of complimentary to my morning class in that I felt over two classes I'd achieved what I might normally achieve in one super strong class. But it's still two stickers on the board which is just fine and dandy by me.
My youngest is performing in a kapa haka competition this morning so I am skipping yoga so I can watch her sing in maori and do the poi. There will be lots of schools there performing and I believe some good kai available too (got to love a Maori festival for hangi food etc). Hope you all have a great day too.
Namaste.
I felt good going into the class and it turned out Tony was procrastinating about the second class when I got there so I did my best to get him to stay. He said give me 5 mins to think about it. So I went about getting changed and setting up my mat and talking to a few people between classes then 5 mins later Tony comes out and says "I'm doing it". Awesome. So I set up in front because I was feeling ok and Tony set up row three but close so we could egg each other on if necessary.
Tony said he had an awesome class afterwards, which was great, because he's just a class or two under for the challenge at the moment and that's why I wanted to support him. My class was so so - I ran out of leg strength in the balancing series and I felt quite nauseous as well so had to sit the odd set out. That was a bit frustrating. The spine strengtheners were strong. Not so great in camel but managed the rest of the floor series and came back strong at the end. It was kind of complimentary to my morning class in that I felt over two classes I'd achieved what I might normally achieve in one super strong class. But it's still two stickers on the board which is just fine and dandy by me.
My youngest is performing in a kapa haka competition this morning so I am skipping yoga so I can watch her sing in maori and do the poi. There will be lots of schools there performing and I believe some good kai available too (got to love a Maori festival for hangi food etc). Hope you all have a great day too.
Namaste.
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